The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
What do you call a deodorant that's never happy?
A deodor-rant.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
What did the flirty shower head say?
"Every naked person I see turns me on!"
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
My shampoo bottle was empty. I turned to the only other bottle in the shower and said, "help me body wash...
You're my only soap!"
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
I always hate having to unblock the toilet.
I’m never quite ready to take the plunge.
Did you see that meteor shower?
No, I respect others’ privacy.
What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
I was at the doctor, complaining about constipation. The doc seemed upset with me. He said,
"You don't give a s**t, do you?"
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
Saw a sign for bath plugs. I didn’t know that was electric!
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
My wife is furious at me for buying an expensive make-your-own-perfume kit.
But it just made scents to me.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
The girlfriend said she had to go file her nail because it was bothering her.
I asked, "Would that go under N for nail? Or M for Manicure?"
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
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