My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
How did dinosaurs clean their teeth?
With flossils.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
What did the poop shoveler say when he quit his job?
"I'm dung with this sh*t!"
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Why are urinals the worst place to spend time?
Because it’s where all the di**s hang out.
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Prince Charles is selling his towel.
If anybody wants a heir dryer...
Why shouldn’t you fart on elevators?
It’s wrong on so many levels.
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Where do cow farts come from?
The dairy air.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
What makes it okay for bats to just poop wherever they want?
For a bat, every room is the batroom.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
What did the showerhead say to the conditioner?
"Get outta hair!"
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
The magazine my daughter gets each month always smells like perfume. I wondered aloud if they scent it.
Then I realized, of course they sent it. Otherwise it would have never come.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Why is your nose in the middle of your face?
Because it's the scenter.
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
What is the invisible man's favorite shampoo?
Clear.
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
All farts...are laughing gas.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
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