Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
What do you call a man who lives in a bathroom?
Lou.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
The instructions on this stick deodorant said "remove cap and push up bottom"...
I can hardly walk!
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Many people believe liquid soap is more hygienic than soap bars.
Don't listen to them, it is only a slippery soap argument.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
I don't understand why Bed Bath & Beyond is considered a non-essential business.
Don't they carry essential oils?
In a recent study, NASA scientists confirmed that Uranus smells like farts.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
My wife says to me this morning "Our son's toothbrush is getting fraid"
I say "What's it so fraid of?"
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
Why don’t Satanic boats ever sink?
Because they’re Unholy.
Why was the dung beetle mad at the store clerk?
Because the clerk sold him shampoo.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
A dung beetle spent an entire day rolling a ball of dung up a hill, only to have it fall down to the other side...
Needless to say, he lost his sh*t.
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