Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
I asked my friend for a tube of toothpaste. He gave me the smallest tube I’ve ever seen.
Next time, I’ll ask for teethpaste.
Only a**holes use bidets.
Someone stole my fragrance-free lotion...
It was a scentless act of cruelty.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
Guess what I got my toilet for its birthday?
A Urinal cake.
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
Putting on makeup and putting on glasses serve the same purpose...
They make the person look better!
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
How do you make a tissue paper dance?
You put a little boogie in it!
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
My youngest needed a diaper change, so my wife called down from upstairs, "Can you throw up some wipes?"
"I'm not sure," I replied. "I haven't eaten any."
I overheard some guys talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one says "I prefer to sit down".
Another friend, shocked, says "I though you were a stand-up guy?"
What do you call a person who starts their own cow poop business?
An entre-manure.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Which one of Sneezy’s kids hid his tissue paper?
Runny Knows!
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
You're not allowed to eat teeth
It's for-bitten.
Got out of the shower, went downstairs and opened the door in my towel.
I know it’s a funny place to have a door, but there you have it.
I was on the way to the gorcer when I remembered, I need to put toothpaste on the grocery list.
My dad said, "Don't do that! It'll be all messy!"
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
When you walk into the bathroom...
Urine there.
I need more soap puns!
Because all the good ones keep slipping through my fingers.
I don't know don't about your faucet, but mine is doing a pour job.
Why doesn't the tooth fairy like dental instruments?
She finds them obtooth.
What do you call James Bond taking a bath?
Bubble 07
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
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