What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
A man walks into a zoo, there was only one animal in the zoo.
It was a Shitzu.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Have you heard what happened to unemployed perfume makers?
They are not making any scents.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
Why are the tiles in your shower so jolly?
They're having a grout time.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
I used too much of my wife’s moisturizer after taking my shower this morning.
So I called in slick for work today.
I had to unclog my sink today.
I found it to be very draining.
I won a contest extracting the most water from a towel, I'm now known as the....
Lord of the Wrings.
What did Archimedes's girlfriend told him when he hadn't taken bath for several days?
Eu-reek-a
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
What do you call a tree without teeth?
A gumtree.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.