"Hey, dad, there's a leak in the sink. Should I call the plumber?"
"No silly, just put it in the fridge!"
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
How do sponges talk to the devil?
They use a squeegee board.
The other day my wife asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally gave her a glue stick....
She still isn't talking to me.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
"Which hand do you wipe with?"
""I don't use my hands, I use toilet paper."
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
My dentist pulled out the wrong tooth...
He said it was acci-dental.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
The doctor told me to get in a bathtub full of milk to soothe my sunburn, I asked him 'pasteurized?'
He said 'No, just up to your neck'
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
My toilet just turned one today.
It was her bidet.
A plumber comes home very upset and yells out to his wife- "honey, you would not believe the bidet I've had."
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Ever use one of those expensive toothbrushes?
It's breath-taking.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
I found a side job collecting dog poo from people's yards.
It's not much, but business is picking up.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
How does the moon take a bath?
It has meteor showers!
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Why do people say "hit the showers"
What did the showers ever do to you?
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
How does a monster flush the toilet?
It doesn't, it scares the living sh** out of it.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
Slightly disappointed that the makers of the shampoo, "Head and Shoulders" have not followed up with a bodywash called, "Knees and toes."
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