I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
I tripped over a floor tile in the bathroom today. Got out alright, but it's safe to say...
I got floored.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
I will only give someone a kleenex if I've known them for a long time.
I guess you could say I have trust-tissues.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
What do you call it when a janitor is fired for refusing to unclog the restroom toilets?
Dereliction of doodie.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Don't ever think dentists are perfect individuals
They most certainly have floss.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
What do you call it when a doctor puts a camera inside of a bottle of perfume?
A cologne-oscopy.
I always wanted to keep my wisdom teeth but I just went to the dentist and it looks like they're gonna have to be removed...
To be honest this is pretty de-molar-izing.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
A lot of people can't figure out the right way to dry their towels.
It's just something they tend to get hung up on.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I've seen a meteor shower,
but never seen a meteor take a bath.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
The scariest day of my life was when we ran into a bear taking a dump inside our campsite.
That sh** was in
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
I used to be pretty nifty tap dancer...
Until I fell into the sink.
I just got a new bathtub
But we dont have to get into that right now
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
Turns out our washing machine DOES have a “baby poop” setting.
It’s called “Heavy Doody”
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
I want to open a doctors office with a nail salon inside.
It’ll be called “Many Cures and Manicures”.
Do people have strange scents of humor if they laugh at their own farts?
Never fart in an apple store
They don't have windows.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
Was talking to a record producer at the urinals the other day...
Next thing you know I had a number one on my hands.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
A thief stole my toothbrush.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
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