I was washing the car with my son, until he said...
“Dad, please, can’t you just use a sponge?”
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
My Buddhist friend just gave me a “Nirvana” scented perfume.
It smells like Teen Spirit.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
Police have reported that a baseball themed perfume factory has blown up under mysterious circumstances.
They said it smells like Foul Play.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Today I learned some people have a phobia of flushing the toilet.
That must be a sh***y phobia to have.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
Woke up this morning to a tap on my door.
That plumber has some sense of humour.
I'm looking to sell my toothpaste collection.
Don't worry, they're all in mint condition.
Two flies were sitting on a urinal. Everything was going well between them, until one got pissed.
I could have sworn that my skin had changed color
But it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Went to the toilet earlier and took a poo...
Not sure whose it was, but it's mine now.
The plumber was working on the side to become an artist.
Unfortunately, he couldn't find a faucet for his creativity.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.
It was clogged.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Whoever came up with the word dentures really missed an opportunity to call it "Substi-tooths"
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
Why didn’t the teacher want to fart in front of anyone?
He was a private tootor.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
What do you call a faucet in the capital of Belgium?
A Brussels spout.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
A police officer was fired shortly after leaving the bathroom.
He was upset about being fired, but happy to be relieved of doody.
Two monkeys get in a bath. The first one say’s “ooh ooh aah ooh aah”
The second one say’s “well put some cold water in it then”
I went to the hardware store and told the cashier I had to replace the plumbing for my sink. "Water pipes?" She asked.
I replied, "The round tubes that liquid flows through."
A zoo employee was injured when a monkey threw flaming poo at him.
He suffered from turd debris burns.
I just broke my wife’s favorite perfume bottle, she’s gonna be fuming!
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
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