What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
This lady at the supermarket is staring at me, like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant...
And then put it back on the shelf.
What do you call someone who acts like a piece of fish poop?
A bassturd.
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
My kid didn't want to tell me that his tooth was loose.
I had to pull it out of him.
I entered an auction on Ebay for a water butt cleaner.
But, I got out-bidet.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
What did the flirty napking say to the dinner guests?
"Let me sit on your lap"
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
I don't use shampoo when I wash my hair.
I'm a man - I use real poo.
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.
I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
Made a shoe out of tea bags for my wife, she said she needed to wipe her nose.
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
I hate dentists.
Bad oral hygiene can cause so many bad things in your mouth, yet they tell you to brush it off.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
How does a napkin sneeze?
Tissue.
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
My wife was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
I wrote back, “Shore.”
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
If you take a dump on a stump...
Does that make it a toilet tree?
There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.
I used to be addicted to soap.
I’m clean now.
Why did the toilet paper role down the hill?
To get to the bottom...
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
What's the difference between a peeping tom and somebody getting out of a bath?
One is rude and nosy, the other is nude and rosy.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
What would you call a familiar scent?
Nose-talgic.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
How does the tooth fairy survive a hurricane? She braces for it.
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