My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
Why did the model bring her lipstick and eye shadow to school?
Because she had a make-up exam!
Whats A tooth fairys favorite movie?
Jaws.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
I always take a dump at 11:59 PM. That way, when the clock strikes midnight it’s the same sh**, different day.
Why did the baker go to the toilet?
Because he kneaded a poo.
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
What type of onion can't hold in moisture?
A leek.
No matter what shampoo I use, I can’t seem to get rid of my dandruff.
It’s a real head scratcher.
I got this new chapstick today...
It's the balm!
I bought some clear, liquid hand-soap today.
Got home and realized that I can't use it...
My hands are solid, and opaque.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
Dad asked if he could borrow my deodorant.
I said "sure, no sweat."
I’ve been going through a lot of sh** lately
I hate my job as a plumber.
I wonder...
How much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
All farts...are laughing gas.
I once knew an arrogant sponge.
He was very self absorbed
I got 5 packs of deodorant for a nickel.
Deodorant is a scent.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
I go through so much shampoo it's just ridiculous!
I don't know, maybe my head is bigger than most but it does say to use a cap full.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Where does Batman go to take a dump?
To the batroom of course!
I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.
Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
This s***ty toilet broke down again!
This flu season, doctors are recommending you wipe your throat down with tissues.
Apparently they're synonymous with clean necks.
I wanted to do the dishes and wasn’t sure where I put the dish soap.
Then it Dawned on me.
What do you call spooky mascara
Mascarea.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
My family and I like to sleep during the day.
They are my napkin.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
When did the dentist develop tooth pain?
Tooth-hurty!
What do you call a turd made by the captain of a vessel?
The Captain's Log
I thought I broke my leg when I tripped over a box of Kleenex last night
But the doctor said it's only tissue damage.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Why don't pirates shower before walking the plank?
Because they washup on shore.
After my wife had a stressful day at work, I drew her a bath. She wasn't content.
I'm so upset, I even used color pencils for this.
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