Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
Stayed in a posh hotel with towels so thick I could barely shut my suitcase.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
I was walking down the road and slipped on some dog poo. Someone came up behind me and slipped as well. Trying to sympathize, I said "I just did that!"
They slapped me and said "use the toilet next time"
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Why do people sing in the shower?
Because the audience in the toilet is sh**!
The latest thing in flooring are these ductile floor tiles. They’re great because they’re flexible but...
They have a tendency to quack.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Gave my pet leopard a bath every day. Now he’s spotless.
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
I had to wait in line for 20 minutes just to buy some really cheap toilet paper!
It was a pain in the a**
What did the copy machine say when it spilled it’s skincare?
"Oh no, that was my toner"
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
I ran out of deodorant.
I guess I'll go online and odor some more.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
Where does the Japanese mafia take a bath?
In a yakuzzi.
My husband won't let the kids take toys with them when they go potty, but I do.
It is a toy-let, after all.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
If a wine connoisseur is called a sommelier then a perfume connoisseur should be called a smellier.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
Every time I flush the toilet...
Sh** goes down
Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.
She said she would not tolerate such nun scents.
I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
This can of deodorant said it "Lasts 24 hours"...
So the next day I bought another can.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
I’ve been working on my poop art recently...
It’s pretty sh**.
What do you call a duck that steals soap from the bathtub?
A robber ducky.
I just dropped my phone in the bath
Now it's syncing.
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Heard a joke about urinals, but it didn't make me laugh.
I guess you had to pee there.
My doctor told me to drink two glasses of red wine after a hot bath...
But I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.
All the toilets in the police station have disappeared and they are asking for witnesses.
They currently have nothing to go on.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
What do you call a food waste disposter installed in the sink?
In-sink-erator
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
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