What do you call a cop standing on dog poo?
Officer on doody!
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Why did the sponge wake up early?
To get the moist out of the day.
Swimming pools are just chlorified bathtubs...
What is it called when you're singing in the shower and shampoo gets in your mouth?
A soap opera.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
I couldn't tell if the dog truly had to poop or if he was just faking it to go outside.
Turns out he was full of s**t.
Do perfumes expire?
In essence, they do.
What's it called when a perfume climbs up the stairs?
Ascent.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
My dentist asked me if I had any questions before he started.
I thought for a minute, then asked, "If oral hygiene is so important, why do you have plaque on your wall?"
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
Britain’s most common owl? The teatowel.
Dialysis is a blood bath.
My job installed this new faucet.
I'm really faucinated by it.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
My friend bought a different toothpaste this time...
It was a nice change of paste.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
My Dad always told me to stand on a bottle of shampoo at job interviews...
That way I'd be 'head & shoulders' above the competition.
Why did the skunk cross the road?
To get to the odor side.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
Why do they put lotion in tissues?
To soften the blow.
Why do volcanoes need lotion?
So they dont get ashy.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
My dentist said that my oral hygiene wasn't up to scratch, so she recommended me a new toothpaste.
Now all I need is a toothbrush.
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
I always start my day with makeup. It's the foundation for a good day, y'know? It covers up anything from yesterday and really sets things in place so I can powder through my work.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
If your hair is long enough when shampooing...
Does Head & Shoulders then become Knees & Toes?
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
It wasn’t my idea to get bidet...
But now I kinda like the little squirt.
Moisturiser is good for your skin...
Let that sink in.
What do you call an East-European cosmetic?
Nail Polish.
I saw a show where all the man did was sit on the toilet.
It was a s**tshow.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
Once we were so poor, we only had a calendar to use as toilet paper.
Now those days are behind me.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
What do you call a little tune about atmospheric moisture?
A humi-ditty.
Did you hear about the wisdom tooth who got smart with the dentist?
[removed]
What do you call a guy that has good manners, bad hygiene, and an affinity for word play?
PunGent.