I do not like lotion at all.
It really gets under my skin.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
As summer approaches, I think it’s a good idea to use two deodorants, one under each armpit.
But that’s just my two scents.
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
When your poo goes into the sewers, it's not yours anymore.
It becomes pooblic domain.
Cut a piece of poo into three pieces today.
Now I have turds.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
There was a knock at the door this morning. I opened it and there was a wash basin on the doorstep.
I thought, "I'd better let this sink in."
Why did the tooth see a therapist?
To get to the root of their problems.
Why do you use an old towel to dry your dog?
Because it's a little rough.
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
I think it was Scampoo.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
Told my wife I’m going to take a shower.
She said, dn’t take it too far!
After letting elephant dung dry in the sun, it's nearly indestructible.
In fact, I'd say it's pretty heavy doody.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
Walked into a restroom and saw an "Out of order" sign on a urinal.
It's going to be tough to move all these urinals to get them back in the right order....
What do you call a disabled paper towel?
A napkan't.
Why didn't the lemon juice like the soap?
Because he was basic.
Why Don't Gymnasts Use Towels?
Cause they dumbbell dry.
What's the difference between sanitizer and moisturizer?
One will burn your eyes, the other will moisturize.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
What condiment needs to go to the restroom the most?
Must-turd.
I used to hate my husband's cologne...
But then it started to rub off on me.
A plumber and his coworkers finally fixed his own sink after years of not having access to tap water. He started crying, and his coworkers asked why.
He said with a trembling voice, "Because water works!"
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
I can't find my scrubber in the shower
It's aloof-ah
What bird is blue and is great at taking a bath?
A scrub jay!
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
When a guy sees another guy at a urinal and makes sure to go two spots away, it's called "social pisstancing".
My wife asked me, “Did you fog up the bathroom mirror again?”
I said, “I don’t see myself doing that.”
You can tell the gender of an ant by putting it on top of water. If it sinks, it's a girl ant. If it doesn't, buoyant.
How do you work out how many rolls of toilet paper are in 4 packets of 16?
Multiply.
All farts...are laughing gas.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
Said to my husband I'm going to take a hot tub. He said...
"When are you going to put it back?"
If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
Gummy Bear.
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
I saved the exact location of my toilet on my computer.
It's labelled as my 'I Pee' address.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
I ran out of toilet paper last week, tried the closest thing I could find: the newspapers. Now the realisation has kicked in...
The Times are really Rough!
Why does it cost $1 to use the urinal at the Department of Homeland Security?
If you pee something, pay something.
Campground bathrooms are always behind the times.
They're all past tents.
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