I have no idea what I'm doing with eyeliner
To be honest, I just wing it.
What did one soap molecule say to the other soap molecule in prison?
"Get out. This is micelle"
What do you call two beautiful cat that sit together in the basin?
Purrfectly in sink.
What is the favourite toothpaste of the security guards of a mining company?
Coalgate.
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
Paleontologists found the world's oldest toothbrush.
They believe it came from the Flossiraptor.
I was thinking about hopping in the shower...
But I realized that I might slip and hurt myself.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
I asked the kids to pickup the dog poo out the back
They did a crap job.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
What do you call a small turd?
A dumpling.
"Have you seen our toilet roll?" asked my wife.
"Don't be silly," I replied.
"A toilet is a stationary object."
Crooked teeth are criminal!
Luckily a few years behind bars usually straightens them out.
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.
So Chanel is making a new perfume made entirely of rain water.
It’s called the Weather Chanel.
I'm burning a gold-scented candle.
It has a very rich aroma.
After trying out floss for the first time, I couldn't believe how nice it felt.
It truly was a breath of fresh air.
The urinals were broken at my dad's work
He had to walk a long distance to go to the bathroom. When the plumber came and informed him the urinals were fixed, my dad told him "I'm relieved!"
My brother sprayed on some of his new deodorant. "How do I smell?" He asked.
"With your nose" I replied.
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
Have you ever heard of the book "They Yellow River"?
It was written by I.P. Daily.
If you don't use a bidet...
You're doing a half-a*sed job.
Why did the burglar steal a bath? He wanted to make a clean getaway.
When is it appropriate to sleep in a bathtub?
When you're feeling drained.
Have you ever seen a girl done makeup while camping?
It's pretty in tents.
Why did the soldier flush the toilet?
Because it was his doody.
Why did the girl put lipstick on her forehead?
She needed to makeup her mind!
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
I'm good at manicures but bad at languages.
Although I think I would nail Polish.
I recently opened a building with an exhibition of dermatological skin cases.
It’s a real gallery of the fine warts.
What did the toilet say to the urinal after it was hired?
“Urine!”
I tried to tell a joke about towels...
But people don’t like my dry humor.
I tried to visit the house where the guy who invented toothpaste was born.
Sadly, there was no plaque on it.
I couldn't shave this morning because someone stole my mirror.
The police are looking into it.
I forgot to put on deodorant this morning, so I went to the store on my way to work.
It was a quick pit stop.
What do you call pig shampoo?
Hogwash.
Why did the painter take a dump on the floor?
It was the work of fart.
I bought a larger sink with a built in subwoofer.
My current one doesn't have enough basin.
Why does no one react when the Queen farts?
Because it’s a Noble Gas!
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
I made a bridge out of Kleenex.
I have truss tissues.
I've stopped paying $6 for sham poo
After all, I make my own DIY genuine poo every morning.
Police are appealing to the man who stole all the soap from the supermarket
To come clean
What happens if you miss the toilet while trying to take a pee?
Urine trouble.
Why do perfumes always hang out in pairs?
Because they don't want to get cologne-ly!
I managed to fix the toilet all on my own today! I'm so proud of myself. Some would even go as far as to say I'm...
flushed with success.
My wife misplaced some of her makeup...
She said, "I can't find my concealer".
And I said, "Wow, sounds like it's some good stuff then!"
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
My dentist says I don't brush enough but hey-
We all have our floss.
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