If you poop in your sleep...
You have sleep crapnea.
Did you hear about how deodorant lead to the capture of a cold war agent?
The scent of old spies gave him away.
What do you call a dog’s back teeth?
Canine canines.
Cold showers are the best...
...Once you warm up to them
My friend claims he works in a soap factory, adding a key ingredient to the process...
He's a lye-er.
I tried giving my cat a bath and it sucked...
I couldn't get the fur off my tongue for a week.
Did you hear about the new book called "100 Miles to the Next Restroom"?
It's by Will E. Mayket and Betty Wunt.
This morning my daughter came to me, looking concerned. She said, “Dad, I need a new bum”.
I asked, “And why is that sweetheart?”
She said, “Because mine has a crack in it!”
What's more important, shampoo or conditioner?
Is it the foamer or the lather?
I used my credit card to buy 1-ply toilet paper.
And now I'm paying for it.
When is it okay to wash your shoes in the toilet?
When there's a bidet. People use them to wash their booties.
Why is it a bad idea to swallow toothpaste?
Because you’ll destroy your stomach cavity!
Why do toilet paper rolls have trust issues?
They're always getting ripped off.
Having to wipe with a hemorrhoid is a pain in the a**.
What cosmetic does DNA put on?
Genetic makeup.
Stores are running out of toilet paper again.
They’re wiped out.
My mother always told me that the best place to mend clothing is in a wash basin
but I don't sink sew.
What kind of doctor checks ghost poo?
A ghost-roenterologist.
I got tear-free soap in my eye.
It hurts like heck but at least I’m not crying.
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
Because it got stuck in a crack.
My farts don’t smell, they don’t have noses.
When you buy a bigger bathtub....
You have more bath room, but less bathroom.
What kind of degree can you get at a urinal?
A Pee h.D.
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
As a plumber, I often have nightmares about the dripping faucet I can't fix and the toilet that will not flush ...
Safe to say I have pipe dreams!
What’s the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels.
I like telling fart jokes.
They are tough to hold in.
A kitchen sink that treats you right?
That's a Farrah Fawcett.
what's the best day of the week to poop?
saTURDay.
What do you call coffee made from poo?
Crappuccino.
Did you just hear that perfume bottle talk?
I think it's becoming scentient.
What is the most disgusting perfume ever made?
Eau de colon.
I designed a new toilet but cannot find anyone to test it out.
No one gives a crap.
Why do astronomers put beef in their shampoo?
For meatier showers.
Here’s my best advice for getting a job in the lotion industry:
Apply daily.
I was sick and tired of the kids leaving their business in the toilet, so I yelled at them.
They immediately flushed with embarrassment.
I passed my dentistry tests with an A in my written paper.
In Oral, B.
I was alone in the bath.
Imagine my surprise when I felt a tap on my shoulder!
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
What did the duck say when she purchased new lipstick?
"Put it on my bill."
Why was James Bond kicked out of a toilet?
Because it was not agent's toilet.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
Why don't ghosts wear deodorant?
They like to keep it super natural.
My kid keeps forgetting to flush the toilet after he takes a dump.
"That s**t is getting old," I told him.
Dung beetle walks into a bar....
"Is this stool taken?"
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
I'm developing a new fragrance for introverts
It's called "Leave me the fuh cologne".
Why didn't the toilet paper finish the race?
Because it was wiped out.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Dung Beetles know how to keep their sh** together.
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