Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.