Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.