Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.