When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.