Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”