What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!