The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io