What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.