For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What is the wealthiest nut ever?
“A cashooo.”
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.