What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.