Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.