What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”