Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.