What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
That cola syrup is made by squeezing a kola nut.
That was soda pressing.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What do you call a nut that is crazy about exercise? A health nut.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cash.
Cash who?
No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
The squirrel’s chest got dirty with nuts, now it has a chest-nut.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.