What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
"Cashew."
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
The walnut was not good at sports but did really well with his macadamia at school.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
Who answers the door at the nut house?
The peanut buttler.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
The farmer went nuts because he was told it’s more profitable that way compared to other crops.
What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.