What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
Which nut is worth the most?
A cash-ew.
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
Why did the peanut take everything off its wall? It didn’t want any walnuts.
The student asked the teacher, “Cashew a question?”, and the teacher replied, “Nut now”.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What do you call a pine-nut in an apple costume? A pine-apple.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What do you call a magician nut?
“An individual who is able to turn into a nut.”
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
Michelle.
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
The nut stayed c-almond and collected during the earthquake.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.