Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
A mustach-io
Why are walnuts the best secret keepers? They walnut say anything to anyone.
The police have been interrogating the walnut for several mi-nuts now. It’s a tough nut to crack!
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
I got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallow, and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a rocky road.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
What happens to a nervous nut?
It cracks.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
The students were going nuts when they saw all the assignments due in the curri-kola-m.
Where do the best kola nuts come from? Kolafornia.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Mr. and Mrs. Peanut finally got married and tied the nut.
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
The nut gave her boyfriend the kola shoulder for missing their date.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
What did the peanut say right before taking an exam? “I walnut fail!”
What kind of nuts come in cans?
Creamed a-corn.
Why did the squirrel go to kola-nary school? Because it had pines to be a chef.
Why is peanut butter a bad secret keeper? Because it tends to spread it and not keep it.
Why was Officer Peanut Butter out in the road? Because he was directing a traffic jam.
What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
What did the nut say to his girlfriend at the pine-ic? “I am nuts about you, cashew see!”
What did the nut husband tell his wife? “Nut-ing lasts forever, except my love for you!”
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.