I’ve been told that I need to stop making puns about meat… But I just can’t stop cold turkey.
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
It’s not often that you find an eye anywhere but on the face. Cows, however, have a rib eye.”
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
I’m bacon you! Please stop with the meat puns!
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
What do you call a group of butchers coming together? A meating.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
What do you call meat balls falling from the sky? A meat-ior shower.
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
What's the most musical cut of chicken? The drumstick!
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Two hot dogs were having a race. One overtook the other, who called out “I see you’ve mustard the strength to ketchup with me!”
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
Why did the pig become an actress? Because she was a real ham!
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
What did the steak say when he came across his nemesis? Ah, we meat again!”
Have you heard about the pig who killed his own farmer? He did it to save his bacon.
Lately my wife has been looking at me as if I'm a piece of meat....
And it wouldn't bother me, if she wasn't a vegan.
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
What is a butcher’s favorite Elvis Presley song? Love Meat Tenders.
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.