Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
Don't use raw milk to make butter
It's not worth the whisk
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
What do you call a chicken staring at a salad?
Chicken sees a salad.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
Why are tomatoes the slowest vegetable?
Because they can’t ketchup.
Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
My wife started a tropical diet
There’s so much stuff in the house it’s enough to make a mango crazy.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
Do you know which the most favourite type of fruit of trees is? The pine – apple.
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
I like to roll peas from the top of a mountain. I always start at the peak.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
When the chef asked me how I would like my soup, I said "I would like minestrone".
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
What is the best part of Valentine’s day?
The day after, when all the chocolate goes on sale.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.
What does a real cheese freak say when they come to your door?
“I’d like to talk to you about Cheesus.”
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
I once saw an onion that had been preserved for ages. It was an Egyptian onion.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
Why is the corn army so dysfunctional?
Cause there are too many Kernels.
The fruit stutters because it suffers from a peach impediment.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
I have a beer snob friend with Photophobia. He hates natural light.
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.