What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
What did the father cantaloupe say to his son?
“Watermelon! (Water-my-lawn)”
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
When you find a blue strawberry, try to cheer it up.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
I'm going to start a hummus brand that comes in really difficult to open containers.
It's gonna be called 'hummus posta eat this'.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
What do you call juice with no ice in it?
Ju.
What do you call a baby potato? Small fry.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
How can you tell that a blondes been baking chocolate chip cookies? Theres M&M shells all over the floor.
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
How did the coffee show its love? It said, "Words cannot espresso how much you bean to me."
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
What vegetable isnt allowed on cruise ships?
Leeks.
Everyone needs to eat bread because loaf is what makes the world go round. Loaf truly is.
I recently got told ketchup doesn't actually use tomatoes
But I can't find a reliable sauce on that.
What does a lemon pie and my wife have in common?
They both have meringue on them.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
Last night I was kidnapped by Aliens. They forced to work providing teas and coffees on their spaceship.
I told one alien that I couldn't find any milk. He said "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
Did you know dried fruits favorite news segments is...
Current events.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
Did you hear about the cheese shop that was destroyed by a tornado?
All that’s left is da brie.
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
The mama nut told her children to kick off their dirty cashews before stepping into the house.
What do donuts wear to weddings? Tuxe-doughs!
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
I don't know what happened, but the moment I brought the onion into the kitchen, everything got rejuvenated, and everything started feeling fresh! Guess this really is a spring onion.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
Wife told me to grow a pear.
I did. It tasted delicious.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
"No wine left behind."
Shucking takes lots of corn-centration.
Why doesn’t anyone invite an ice cream cone to their party?
They’re a drip.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
How does Reese eat her ice cream?
Witherspoon.