I got my paycheck with a lemon slice on it today...
turned out my ex-wife was garnishing my wages.
"You had me at merlot."
Why do wine lovers guzzle down vine humor?
Because wine jokes are a barrel of laughs.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
A burglar broke into my house and took all my condiments, now I'm Spiceless in Seattle.
I’ve got a great idea for an automatic orange peeling machine I hope it bares fruit.
Did you hear about the butcher who sat on his bacon slicer?
He got a little behind in his deliveries.
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
"Will you accept this rosé?"
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
When do you put paprika on eggs? Fry-Day.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Why did the coffee bean keep checking his watch? Because he was pressed for time.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
Why did the students eat their homework?
Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
I’m opening a grocery store that specializes in Swiss cheese and donuts.
I’m calling it Hole Foods.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Why did the orange get insurance?
Zest in case.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What is Bruce Lee’s favourite fruit? Wataaaaar melooooon?
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
I just watched someone try to steal a pumpkin from a bull.
He got gourd.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Fish taco says why don't you want to taco about it And the nacho says cause I'm nacho friend.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
How do you defeat a meat-loving vampire? With a steak to the heart!
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Cherries are actually great at a lot of different sports. Their favorite one, in case you were wondering, is archerry.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
What is a cow's favorite lunch meat? Bullogna
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
Did you hear about the salad race the other day?
The Lettuce was ahead, but the Tomato was ketchoping up...
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
What does a caped monkey superhero drive?
A banana-mobile.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.