My wife was trying to feed our son a pear, and he was refusing.
I said, Good news. Our son is immune to pear pressure.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
If you put your ear up to a Taco Shell
You can hear the Sí.
Whats the difference between onions and girls?
I cry when I cut up onions.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
Did you hear about the race between the lettuce and the tomato?
The lettuce was ahead while the tomato tried to ketchup.
Why did Oreo go to the dentist? …
Because he lost his filling!
Made the mistake of offering my realtor some lipton iced tea
I forgot that he only drinks realty.
What do you call it when Satan steals your guacamole?
Playing Devil’s Avocado.
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
What is red and goes putt, putt, putt? An outboard apple.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
What nut is broken?
“A silly nut”
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
Why does the cookie monster fear the gingerbread man? Because he’s one tough cookie.
Remind your kids not to overdo it on the pumpkin pie this time of year.
Or they might get autumn'y ache.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
Why is milk taller than you?
Because it's always pasteurize
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
What would Santa’s name be if he wore orange instead of red?
Fanta Claus.
What is the executioner’s favorite vegetable?
A head of lettuce.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
A con artist tried to convince me he could ejaculate deli meat
What a load of bologna.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
What did the street cheese say after he got attacked by several blades? I've felt grater.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
When the baby onion was misbehaving, the father onion told it, "You better behave, you cheeky chops!"
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What do dogs love to eat for breakfast?
woofles
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
HELP! It's a taco emergency!
Dial 9 Juan Juan!
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.