What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
Why was the orange feeling sad?
It lost its zest for life.
What's the best way to get King Kong to sit up and beg? Wave a two-ton banana in front of his nose.
What did the vicar use for his vegetable patch?
Lettuce spray.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
What kind of candy bar does an employee crave before the weekend? A Payday
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
You’re wine in a million.
Why don’t oranges go around blind?
“Because they take Vitamin See!”
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
A boy lines up to get some apple juice and a girl lines up to get some orange juice
This would be funny but there’s no punchline.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
How do you make dog bread? You use collie flour.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef!
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Why did the crazy man lose his job at the dairy factory? He was a danger to himself and udders.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said I was jammed.
Inviting cherries over for a drinks party is easy. Simply start your invitation with “You are cordially invited…”
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
Did you hear about the secret guild of bakers? They say that they only trade recipes on a knead to know basis.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
How do comedians like their eggs?
Funny side up.
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What do you call seasoned and dried robot meat?
Beep chirpy
What did the Apple say to the lemon & lime when he found out they were correct?
Yeah, I guess you’re Sprite
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
An OvalTeen
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
My mum makes the best soups. She is a real soup-erstar.
Q: Why did the fruit stop for some time while driving?
A: It wanted to make a quick pit-stop
I went to an English camping party with some vegetables. We stayed in a tea-pea.
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
What did the expired milk say after being picked up way past its due date? It was well beyond their wildest creams.
What did the coffee addict say to his doctor?
I don’t have a problem with coffee. I have a problem without it!
What do two tomatoes do after not seeing each other for a long period of time?
They ketchup.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
What would you call a dairy product that is horrible? “Udder bullshit.”
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.