Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
I've written a book about a very grumpy British pea farmer, it's called "Mind your peas and queues."
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
You are the best, I feel so peachy when I am with you!
Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.
I was visiting my dear old Grandpa the other day when he said to me, "Let me give you a bit of advice. You can't make an omelette..."
"Without breaking eggs?" I finished for him.
"No. You can't make an omelette," he said, as he scraped it into the bin.
For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
What do you call half a head of lettuce?
The Romaine-der.
What do you call a dinosaur that drinks curry? A Mega-sore-arse.
What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese!
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
What is a donut’s favorite day of the week?
Fry-day.
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
what does a female corn do when she likes a male corn?
she corn-fesses.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Wine if you must. It’s not good to bottle up your emotions.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
Happy Hour is at wine o’ clock
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
Why did the cheese lover hide cheese in the back of his fridge?
In queso emergency.
One of the most courageous souls in the world is anybody who looks at a pineapple and thinks that “I bet I would eat it.”
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
What do horses like to put on their egg salad sandwiches?
MayoNAYS!
"What do tofu and a dildo have in common?" "They are both meat substitutes!"
Why don’t these children eat their soup? Because all of them is stew-pid.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.
What do you call fake oranges?
“Pulp Fiction”
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What did one cheddar cheese say to the other cheddar cheese at prom?
Looking sharp!
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
Wine Lovers Rhyme: A friend of wine is a friend of mine!