Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
What type of window do donuts prefer in their homes?
Double glazed.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
What does the ginger bread man put on his bed? A cookie sheet.
What’s another name for a chess-nut? A nut who loves chess.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
How do you make Pig Jerky?
Give them some coffee.
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
How does a pineapple answer the phone? “Yel-low?”
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
Q: What anime series do fruits like to watch?
A: One peach.
What did one nut say to the other?
“Cashew later.”
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
The only type of berry you will ever find in a barn is a straw-berry.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Which search engine is popular amongst mice? Ask Cheese.
What did mamma orange say to little orange after he spilled his milk? It’s no big peel!
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
What is everyone getting for completing No Nut November?
“Nuttin”
I've been hitting the bottle pretty hard recently.
Still can't get the last of that ketchup out.
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
It is really rare to find the most perfectly cooked steak.
“My favorite color is tangerine- isn’t that orange-inal?”
Why was the slice of bread upset with her husband?
He told her she was being too kneady.
What happens when you rub two oranges together?
You get Pulp Friction.
What do you call solid gold bananas? A bunch of money.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Salami get this straight - you don't like meat puns?!
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
What do you call a cherry that is hard as nails? Tough as old fruits.
What do you call a nut with facial hair?
A mustachio.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
Did you know that Beethoven's favorite fruit
Ba Na Na Naaa...Ba Na Na Naaa...