The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
"I need to re-wine my life."
How do monkeys get down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster.
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
What do you get when an Elephant sits on an Orange?
Orange squash.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
Because it was mugged.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
Did you hear about the little people starting a beer making operation?
It's a micro brewery.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
The local baker keeps punching his doughy friend because he wants to get a rise out of him.
Why does salt make everything taste better
Because it's sodi-yummm!
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
What goes in dry and comes out wet. The longer I'm in, the stronger I get.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
What should you do with an old inventory of fine French wine?
Liquidate it to the highest bidder.
I yam rooting for you my sweet potato and I won't mash your heart
Be like a pineapple: wear a crown, stand tall, and be always sweet on the inside.
Basketball players always drop cookies into their milk.
That way, it's a slam dunk.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
There are two types of people in this world: People who love chocolate and liars. A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke.
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
How does the serial killer like his coffee?
How he likes his women—all ground up.
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
How does bread win over friends?
“You can crust me.”
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
A walnut.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
just witnessed a chicken try to pick up a piece of corn for 5 minutes,
ImPeck-able.
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.The Peach President lost the presidential race because he got im-peached.
I found a sour strawberry today. It was berry bad.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
Did you hear about the corn stalk that changed careers?
He went into a different field!
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
You can fix a broken strawberry with a strawberry patch.
Why did the cherry go to the good drinks factory? It was cordially invited.
Do you know how to get a raise at the bread factory? Try buttering up to the boss.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.