How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
Why shouldn't you shop at the Banana Republic? Because the employees look like a bunch of dicks.
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
A cow usually prefers to eat moo-sli for breakfast.
Boy: Oh I can't believe that Jesus is so sweet! Girl: Well that's because He's a life saver!
Q: Why can’t oranges be pirates?
A: They don’t get scurvy.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Why are apples afraid to grow in the United States? Because they don't want to be as American as apple pie.
How did the hotdog ask the ketchup out?
He mustard up the courage.
All potato puns are pomme de terrible.
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
What do you call young avocados?
Avokiddos.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
What do squirrels eat at the fair?
A-corn dog.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
What do you call a pear with loose morals?
A prostifruit.
“Mom, what do we have for this dinner?” – “I cannot tell you. It is a little soup-prise, son!”
What do you call 2 fruits that can't get married?
Cantelopes.
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
Last time I was in France I wanted to ask a question about strawberries
But I wasn't sure how to fraise it.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
Predictive Text
It's the scurge of the hummus rice.
What did the fans say to the band named after a famous chickpea spread?
Hummus a tune.
I don’t want naan of that. Neither do I!
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
What's a coffee's favorite karaoke song? Hit Me With your Best Shot.
I almost got a world record for having the most peas up my nose but sadly I blew it.
Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
You knead me in your loaf. This one kind of works, but loaf is just a little too different from life.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!