As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
If you leave alphabet soup on the stove and leave, it could spell disaster.
What sandwich spread makes people itch?
Flea-nut butter.
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
I took the recent snow warnings with a pinch of salt.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
My son ate daffodil bulbs instead of onions
But that's really serious! Is he in hospital?
Yes, he's still a bit yellow, but he should be coming out in the spring.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
I've just got my hand stuck in a jar of gherkins and I can't get it out.
I'm in a right pickle!
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
"Say you'll be wine."
Q: Who is Peach’s favorite actor?
A: Brad Pit.
What do you call a cow on the barnyard floor? Ground Beef What do you call a cow with no front legs? Lean Beef
Have you heard of the new squirrel diet?
“It’s just nuts.”
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
Are you a big fan of beef? I am. In fact, I could eat it until the cows come home.
I told the cowboy to eat salad with his fingers
He said he needed a ranch hand.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
To which tier of fruits and vegetables do onions belong? They belong to the teary.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
Q: Why does the cherry have a hard time getting along with others?
A: It has crust issues.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
Why do pigs go to New York City? To see the Big Apple.
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
What do you call a chicken staring at lettuce?
Chicken sees a salad.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
What do you call an avocado after a priest blesses it?
Holy guacamole.