Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
What did the orange do the night before the exam?
He put his nose to the “g-rind-stone” and read the entire textbook.
I must confess that I've started stealing vegetables from the local grocery...
I can't help it! I get to the store and I have to take a leek!
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
What did the vegetable say at the party?
Lettuce turnip the beet!
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
No one understands me when i say I like to paint peas in a cage.
I don’t what is so hard about it. I’m a trapped peas artist.
What kind of beer can you make from a potato?
Spud Light.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Where did the garlic clove go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
Did you hear about the sign on the bakery that got everyone talking? It said “I knead dough to live.”
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
Q: Where do fruits like to go on vacations?
A: To the peach.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain? He's got no beef.
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
Q: What happens to a cherry tree when it grows up?
A: It blossoms
Why did the man lose his job in a fruit packing firm? He kept throwing the bent bananas away.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
If Megan Fox is a cake, then what is Amanda Bynes? A fruitcake.
I met a chicken once; she was desperate to join a band. She even had her own drumsticks.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
Many people have puns, but they will nut tella you.
The soup was too spicy to be had by us. It was the borscht soup I had ever had.
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
I waited over an hour for my cappuccino and when it arrived there was too much milk and not enough coffee. Still, better latte than never.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
If you want to wish a 'Merry Christmas' to a strawberry, just say, "Straw-berry Christmas!'"