What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
"I hate tacos!"
Said no Juan ever.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
What song was the peach listening to? 'Stronger with Peach Tear'.
Did I invite you to the Barbecue?
Then why are you all up in my grill?
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
What do you call a nut on a Wheelchair?
“A busted nut.”
Why can't Superman eat the corn tortillas at taco Tuesday?
He's afraid of that chip tonight.
I was going to tell you a joke about an egg but it's not all it's cracked up to be.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What happened when an orange, an apple, and a banana all went on a picnic together?
They had a “fruit-ful” day.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
How does white chocolate turn into dark chocolate?
Turn off the lights.
What is an elf's favorite kind of birthday cake? Shortcake!
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
Boil ’em, mash ’em, stick ’em in a stew. Happy Birthday from me to you!
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
A magnetic strawberry is always red and points north.
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
What do you call a pig that practices karate? A pork chop!”
What is the onion that laughs a lot and is small and white in color? It is a tickled onion.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
That wide loaf has a decent bread-th. Nice.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
What did the orange say before jumping into the juicer?
“The zest is yet to come!”
What's an astronaut's favorite meat? Launch meat!
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
What do you call a girl watermelon cop on the beat? A water fe-melon duty.