What do you get when you cross a human and a pear?
A pear-son.
What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A hot dog and a six pack of beer.
I'm not too fond of not finishing my entire bowl of cereal. I think I have irritable bowl syndrome.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
"On cloud wine."
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
“I can’t breathe” One potato said to the other. “What happened? ” The other said. The potato replied “I
feel I dropped my nose somewhere”
I know a pea that's a famous singer. He's a VIP.
One should always practice what they peach.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
What vegetable did King Arthur pull from the stone?
Exparagus.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
Why did the FBI surround the president with cows? They were beefing up security!”
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
My neighbor said a man walked into my garden and stole my mangoes.
I am wondering where did that mango.
The United Nations gave its members a basket of peaches on 21 September - the International Peach Day.
What do you call a metalhead working at Cold Stone? Alice Scooper.
Did you know milk is the fastest liquid in existence? It’s pasteurized before you ever notice.
Did you know that humans started out as peas? That's why we're called homosa-pea-ns.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite video game, well it's definitely 'Super Princess Peach'.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
I spent last Christmas with a bunch of soft fruit. I kept getting confused with the toast – they were saying “Eat, drink and be cherry!”
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
A thesaurus' favorite thing to eat for breakfast is a synonym roll.
Accidentally I spilt some tomato ketchup in my eye.
In Heinze sight, it was my mistake.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
A pine and an apple talk to a pineapple “Poor you, my friend! You are certainly adopted, dude.”
Fruit puns intended
Does he avacado? Because If not you should let that mango.
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
I need to take this picture for my instayam
Have you guys tried kangaroo beer?
It’s a little hoppy.
The tiny bag of flour got in trouble, so his mother sent him to bread early. He kneaded to be punished.
I have to spill my guts, I love Halloween!
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
What did the health-nut say to himself at the gym? “No pine, no gain”
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What do you call corn with red, white and blue kernels?
Americorn.
Apples are red. Grapes are blue. Pineapples are sweet. And so are you.
What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
I've got a really good vegetable pun.
I’d tell you but I’m worried you’d think it’s too corny.
Q: What do you call a scary berry?
A: A boo-berry.