I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
Why did the donut go to a therapist?
He felt empty inside.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
Damn, look at that pizza! It's an over panchiever.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Why was the meat packer arrested? For bringing home the bacon.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
You should never give milk to someone who is open minded and hasn't yet had breakfast. They're lack-toast and tolerant.
Why don’t most people enjoy jokes about taco shells?
They’re too corny
I came across a man who was eating strawberries at the bank. He told me he wanted to eat rich food.
What do elephants drink on vacation?
Peanut coladas.
Why do sharks swim in salt water?
If they swam in pepper water they would sneeze.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
Dad, do you like baked apples? Yes son, why? The orchard's on fire.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
I met a girl in a vegetarian restaurant who said she recognized me, but I have literally never seen herbivore.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
It’s too bad that bread puns are always so crumby. Mmm . . . crumbs.
Mom: Did you watch the movie with the little pumpkins?
Dad: I stopped it early because it was too gourdy for me.
What happens when you go on an all-cheese diet?
You cheddar few pounds.
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
How sweet is only for girls?
Her-shey’s kisses.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
I hear Jake finally broke up with his crazy grocer girlfriend; never could tell water problem was.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
Sir, did you realize the consequences of naming your son Taco Cheese?
"No, but I have grate expectations."
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
What is a chocolate covered car called?
A Ferrari Rocher
Was your guacamole salad good?
Yes, it was avocado this world.
What did the coffee say to its date? Hey there, hot stuff.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
What’s the difference between a Starbucks latte and a whore?
Nothing, they both suck and empty your wallet!