What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
How old was the cave man on his birthday?
Stone Age.
Have you ever tried kangaroo meat? I have. It was tasty, but it made me a bit jumpy.
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
What was the ice cream cone’s naughty pick up line?
Wanna lick me?
A cream-filled donut and an eclair decided to get a divorce.
It’s a sad story, but the real victims are their children. They’re in for a grueling custardy battle.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
What do you call an onion that is very sick and has a high temperature? It is a boiling onion.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
The oranges hadn’t been peeling well for a week when they finally decided to seek medical attention.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
Which vegetable is the most qualified?
Qualiflower.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
Why did a can of nuts win the part in the Christmas pageant? Because they were the best nut-tavity actors.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
Did you know that bread that you make into buns is always relaxed? Yes, they just like to roll with it.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
It’s time to think outside the pizza box.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
How busy was the donuts day? It was jam packed!
Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice? It said concentrate.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
What do you get when you cross an avocado with a two way radio?
A Guackie-talkie
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
My mom likes to feed everyone the soup she makes. She said it is her broth right.
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!