How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
In the last peach race, I put $30 peach way on two new racers.
What did an angry donut say to his wife?
Donut talk to me.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
After I show a peach the way, it says: “I really ap-peach-iate your help!”
"You're the wine that I want."
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
What did the cheese call himself after he got dumped?
Forever provolone.
Let's pumpkin spice things up a bit
I cut a dill with this spicy mami, but at the last minute she ginger mind.
What do you call a potato at a football game? A spec-tater.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
What did the pastry chef say when a banana cream pie he made completely satisfies a tyrannical ruler?
It hit despot.
I once had a dream that I was swimming in an ocean of carbonated orange juice.
Thankfully it was just a fanta sea.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
On Valentine's Day, the peach said to his wife, "You will always have a peach of my heart!"
Why did the aging bread roll retire?
Her career was already toast.
The best thing ever to put in a strawberry pie is your teeth.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What happened to the pig who liked pineapple? He turned into a porky-pine!
What do you call a musical lime?
John Lemon.
What did the pear say to the other pear when they just got together?
It’s good to be a pair.
how do you convince meat juice out of a bovine?
You consomme out of him.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
Oranges rarely pass driving tests, this is because they keep on peeling out.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
Potato puns are a-peeling.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!
Why couldn’t the teddy bear finish his dessert?
Cause he was stuffed.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
What happened when the orange broke out of prison?
All heck broke juice.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
You may want to seek help if you feel despresso when you don't have coffee.
What did the pickle say when he was told he was going in to a salad?
I relish the thought.
He is a humble husband. Unlike others, he never blows his crumpet after making breakfast for his wife everyday.
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
What did the girl dinosaur ask her pet dog?
"Do you want some tea, Rex?"
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
Why did the banana go to the hostpital? Because it wasnt peeling very well