Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What would you call a steak that leaped off the table and ran away? Fast food, of course.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
What do you call a field full of epileptic lettuce ?
Seizure Salad
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
What’s the best thing about being a butcher? You get to meat the best people.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
What did the pinecone say to the pineapple? Nice to meet juice.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
What did the orange say before he started his new job?
“The zest is yet to come!”
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
How do you share a piece of cheese with a bear?
Caerphilly.
A pickle store is giving out their new tea-flavored pickles on the street today
I tried some and I guess they tasted quite a-tea-pickle.
What kind of tea did the American colonists want? Liberty.
When I refused to have the soup, my sister said "People who do not have soup are stew-pid".
Why doesn’t anyone like to hang out with crackers?
Someone always cuts the cheese.
What do squirrels watch on TV?
Nut-flix.
What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
What cheese surrounds a medieval castle? Moatzeralla
I was straining some old noodles but eventually, I chickened out. It was such a broth-er.
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.
What is a pirate’s favorite cheese?
Ched-arrrrgh!
Happy Birthday to my best spud….get it? ? Spud…bud? ?
What kind of cheese protects a castle?
Moat-zarella.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
What kind of tea do wealthy people own?
Proper-Tea.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
If your doctor tells you to go on a low sodium diet, do you take his advise with a grain of salt?
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What do you call Chewbacca with chocolate stuck in its fur?
chocolate chip wookiee.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
The Bee Gees were such fans of onions that they even dedicated a song to it. They named it 'Chives Talking'.
Q: What would a peach love to pet?
A: A Pit Bull.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
What do you get when you cross a pig and a chicken? The best bacon-and-eggs of your life.