My friend thought ketchup didn’t exist
So I told him to check his sauces.
I love the smell of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies They smell just like burned toast
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
Why does the mushroom always get invited to pizza parties?
Because he’s such a fungi!
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
A restaurant server was fired on his first day of work for taking a woman’s salad.
He thought the manager said “seize her salad”.
What do you call a pear in a compressor?
Pear pressure!
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Dad fertilized the garden with corn starch.
The plot thickens.
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What do you call mountain climbing corn?
Mountain-ears.
Why did the cow and the bull become so close? Because they became beef-friends.
While breaking up with Princess Peach, Mario said "You are so peachy, I can't take it anymore".
What do you call a stolen yam? A hot potato.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
When would an apple be not an apple? When it is a pineapple!
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
What do you call a pear who plays the trumpet? A tooty fruity.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
What do you call a hot dog race? Wiener takes all.
What happened when the onion tried to cross the bridge guarded by Gandalf? Gandalf shouted, "You shallot pass this bridge!"
Two peanuts were walking down the road but only one was attacked. They suspect the reason was the other was unsalted.
My mum made a chocolate bar out of peas. I asked if she could snap a peas off for me.
I gave my toddler peas for the first time. He wasn't very hap-pea.
What's the name of the meatiest Knight of the Round Table? Sir Loin!
A strawberry will never help another strawberry because they tend to always get into jams.
"Rosé all day."
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
What’s the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts?
Beer nuts are $2.50. Deer nuts are under a buck
What do you get when you play Tug-of-War with a pig? Pulled-Pork
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
Why can't the bankrupt Hindu complain? He's got no beef.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
What happened to the cherry that got married to an apple? They are living apple-y ever after.
Why have a mer little when you can have a merlot?
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat