What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
My peach friend shaved for the first time the other day, he looks like a nectarine!
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
I got arrested for the way I eat corn.
They charged me with a salt and buttery.
Chuck berry was undoubtedly the greatest rock and roll strawberry.
A musical strawberry jam that knows how to play the trumpet is called Tooty fruity.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
What's a cow's favorite moosical note? Beef-flat
How can you make a computer system cry? Delete his cookies.
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
Where do cows write down their most intimate thoughts? Inside of their dairy.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
What is the most sophisticated class of bread?
The upper crust.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What did the parmesan say when it broke up with the mozzarella?
Sorry but I am too mature for you.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
Who is the corniest baseball player of all time?
Ty Cobb!
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Soft fruit is not always the best at doing research. They aren’t very thorough; they tend to cherry pick information.
What is a lions favourite cheese? Roar-quefort.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
Son: Hey dad, I stole a peach from the grocery store today.
Dad: Why?
Son: I don’t know, but I feel guilty. It’s a real pit in my stomach.
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
The bowl of soup you bought yesterday from the Chinese restaurant was souper terrible.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
If fish is a type of brain food, then dumb people probably love eating noodle soup.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
How did the coconut hit on the pineapple? It said ” you are the pina to my colada.”
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
"Here for the right riesling."
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What do vets call a paralyzed squirrel? A busted nut.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
I went to my fridge to get some lettuce for my salad
But there was none Romaine-ing.
Why do comedians often start their act with peanut butter jokes? They love to warm up the crown by spreading the laughter.
Why do gherkins giggle when you touch them?
They're pickle-ish.
Went to a German restaurant. The beer was fine,
But their sausage was the wurst!
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.