What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
"Read between the wines."
Unlike peaches, nectarines don't have any fuzz, because they suffer from Alo-peach-ea.
Why were the kids throwing flour and bread at their school? They wanted to rise to the occasion.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
While cutting the onions, my eyes were leek-ing tears
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
What song do young peaches love listening to? 'Papa don't peach'.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
My brother turned into a vegetable.
I guess now he has fryngers and potatoes.
My wife's been on a banana diet.
She hasn't lost any weight, but you should see her climb trees now!
What happened to the pineapple who was turned down for a date? Crushed pineapple.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
How do little avocados get what they want?
They spread it on thick.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
I am soup-er into the beautiful girl that I met yesterday at school.
"I'd like to make a toast!", said the bread to the bride on her wedding day.
the difference between a pizza and my pizza jokes?
My pizza jokes can’t be topped!
What’s the best thing you can put in a halloween cookie? Your teeth.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
Where does wine catch up on all the vineyard dirt?
Through the grapevine.
Why did the pig go into the kitchen? He felt like bacon.
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.
What do two cherries say when they get married? I promise to cherry-ish you forever.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
What's a vampire's favorite fruit?
A neck-tarine.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
What is the similarity between my wallet and an onion? Whenever I open both of them, I cry.
Vampires love cookies too, they love No-stake cookies.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
What excuse did the late watermelon give his boss? He said be there in 5 boss, I’m just rind the corner.
What do fruits look for at a talent show? A berry that can really cherry a tune.
What did baby corn say to Mama corn?
Where's Popcorn?
Q: Why did the orange cross the road?
A: Because everyone thought he was a chicken.
What is a walnut’s favorite Christmas play? The Nutcracker.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
Q: Why wouldn’t the teacher bring the class to the green pea farm?
A: It was in a seedy part of town.
Q: Where do fruits manufacture their money?
A: Peach Mint.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.