I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
Why does a cow hate artificial milk? Because the substance is pow-dairy.
"Cabernet. More like, caber-yay!"
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
What happened when a clumsy sommelier tried to decant a bottle of fine wine?
Things went pour-ably wrong.
What do you call fake ramen noodles? An impasta.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
I earned money by selling broth. Now I am a bouillonaire.
How do you make an apple puff? Chase it round the garden.
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What is the cherry fruit's favorite American talkshow? The Cherry Springer Show of course!
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
The cold broth is known to have lived in Stock-holm.
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
Why do Jack-o-lanterns have silly smiles on their faces? You'd have a silly smile, too, if you had just had all your brains scooped out!
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What do you call a healthy dinosaur? Tea-Rex.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
Why did the cantaloupe jump into the pool?
“It wanted to be a watermelon.”
I love you from my head tomato
Why is the strawberry loved dearly by everyone? Because it is berry sweet.
Why is pumpkin pie so much better than sweet potato pie?
Sweet potatoes are ungourdly.
When you see something red that goes up and down, chances are it is a strawberry in an elevator.
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
The pancake thought he was the best breakfast food because nobody stacked up to him.
Apple and orange were the only two left that evening. Everyone else had dates.
Why did the hare go to the taco truck?
He couldn't beat the tortas.
When she spotted fake ramen in her soup, she said, “ This soup has impasta in it.”
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
When you cross a train engine with a strawberry tart, you make a puff pastry.
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
Why do watermelons have fancy weddings? Because they cantaloupe.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!