Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
What’s the best pick up line for someone you meet in a steak restaurant? “Nice to meat you”, of course.”
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you going to let me in?.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
What did the tortilla chip say to the guacamole?
“You are all I avo wanted.”
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes?
To make them light and fluffy.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
“How was your day? ” “It was a total disas-tater”
What do you call a vegetable planted at a whore house?
A brothel sprout.
Did you hear about the man who used to be addicted to eating raw meat? Don't worry, he's cured now!
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
Have you heard about the new meat that’s taking the world by storm? It’s a cross between a cow and a chicken. They call it “roost beef”.
What was the Peach's favorite surf band from the 60's? The Peach Boys.
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
How should you live your life? By seasoning the moment.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
I got a packet of onions from the supermarket yesterday. Somehow, by today, all of them have disappeared. Guess this is why the shopkeeper warned me not to buy Bermuda Onions.
The soup that my mom made for dinner healed my flu in a day. It was almost soup-er natural.
How do you know if milk is expired? The smell is dairy bad!
Did you hear about the bread party? It’s scone be a lot of fun, and wheat love for you to join us.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
The pineapple is pining for the summer.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock?
Because it was marble cake!
What's a pickle's favorite book?
To Dill A Mockingbird.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
This foundation is rock salad.
Where were the first orange trees planted?
“In Orange County.”
The two loaves of bread could not wait to stare through the delivery room window. They wanted to see their new bun-dle of joy.
Ugh.. I ate too much hummus..
And now I filafel.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
Why have less scato when you can have mo’ scato?
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
Did you hear about the farmer who sold his sheep to slaughter because he wasn't making enough money from the wool? The situation went from baa-d to wurst!
What cheese is made backwards?
Edam.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
What’s the best view you can get in our galaxy? A view of the milky way from mars.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
What do the peanuts and walnuts have in common? They are both nuts.
What is the opposite of Chocolate? Chocoearly.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.