My father loves eating reams of soup. That is the reason why I think he should be nominated to the Soup – ream – court!
Is it bad to swallow a cherry whole? No don't worry, it's just one of the pitfalls of life.
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
What’s the perfect gift for someone who is always raisin’ the bar? Oatmeal
raisin.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
What do you call a dog who only eats garlic and onions?
A dog with a bark worse than its bite.
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
Why didn’t the peach do well on its ACT? Because when it comes to education, it only gets a little STEM.
What is the greeting that Korean onions tell each other when they meet in the streets? They say 'Onion-Haseyo'.
Did you hear about the frozen dessert whose wife had a baby?
Now he’s a popsicle.
The mother helped her child bake bread because it was a labor of loaf. True enough.
A never-ending natural supply of beer?
Hops springs eternal.
My girlfriend spilt hummus all over her...
Can't believe that chick pea'd herself.
Why was the chef surprised that anyone like her bread?
She thought it was crumby.
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
What do you call someone who steals from the keebler elves? A crook-ie
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
How many grams of protein are in an apple pi? 3.14159265
What did the cherry say when it was given a bunch of flowers? You are cherry sweet.
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
my buddy’s sad after getting fired from taco bell, so being a caring friend i asked if he wanted to
taco bout it?
What did the nut tell itself before crossing the finish line? “I pe-can do it!”
What is the name of the horse that a knight onion rides? They ride a scallion.
How did the cheese professor start class every day?
Oh queso…
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
What do you call a sloppy Joe made with taco seasoned beef?
Sloppy José
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
Who is the most powerful potato? Darth Tater.
What do you call it when a cheese goes #2?
Fondue-due.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
What type of keys does the gingerbread man unlock his door with? cook-keys!
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
What did Katy Perry drink when she was little? Bust-Tea.
Onions are unable to store water inside them because there is always a leek.
Why does the jellybean go to school? Because he wants to become a smartie.
Why did the lemon like the orange? He’s not from concentrate.
What can a whole apple do that half an apple can't do? It can look round.
Why do golfers love donuts?
Always a hole-in-one!
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
The fruit politician is losing its support in the country because of hate peach.
When my friend Frank died, his body was cremated and his ashes were placed in a decorative German beer tankard.
Now he's Frank in stein.
When we spill soup on the comic book, we will get soup-erman.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
Why should you live a pineapple life? Because Life is sweet.