What do you call a pastor who wanders from town to town, looking for leafy green vegetables?
A romaine Catholic priest.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
If anyone gets a suspicious email from me about canned meat, don’t open it. It’s spam!
Where did the spinach go to have a few drinks? The Salad Bar!
Pigs, when out in public, have to keep an eye on their valuables as they are vulnerable to pigpockets.
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
What do you call super expensive shoes?
Cashews.
Those people are preparing peach gelato because they want to demonstrate their rights to freeze peach!
How did I make the mango tree fit in my flower-pot?
I planted it.
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate? A Kitty Kat bar!
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
I used to randomly steal beverages off people...
I stopped when I realized it wasn't my cup of tea
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
Q: Why was the fruit not selected for the singing competition?
A: He has a flat peach.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
What do you call a cake that likes heavy metal? Megadeth by Chocolate.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Whom did the cheesy Bible start with? Edam and Eve.
What do you call a fruit that doesn't take s**t from anyone? The top banana.
Police arrested a man who dropped his phone in the ocean. The was charged with a salt in battery.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
Why couldnt the pumpkin have kids?
He had a halloweener.
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Where can you find the best nuts in London? Nut-tinghill.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
What do you say when a fruit wins the talent show? How about them apples?
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
When shouldn't you drink a hot beverage? If it's not your cup of tea.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
People order potatoes a lot because they look a-peeling on the menu.
What do potatoes become when they smoke weed?
Baked potatoes.
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.