This kind of wine does not go right through you. Trust me, you will pee no noir.
What type of wine is notorious for making you drowsy?
Sauvign-yawn blanc!
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
Did you see the award-winning movie about a hot dog? It was an Oscar wiener!
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
Why did the baker keep putting too much flour in the bread? Because he was a gluten for punishment.
An inspirational speaker came to speak at the fruit stand today. He told us to peach for the stars.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
This might sound corny, but I think you’re a-maize-ing.
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
Every girl is just like a pineapple: They both have many pointy defences, but they are still sweet and adorable.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
So, what do you do with an epileptic watermelon? Simple, you make a seizure salad.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
What do you call a sausage that's been to the doctor? Cured meat!
They're not going to grow bananas any longer.
Apparently, they're long enough already.
Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
A motivated nut is a pecan. Because pe-can do anything.
To catch a polar bear you surround a hole in the ice with peas
Then, when he goes to take a pea you kick him in the ice hole.
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
What's yellow and always points to the north? A magnetic banana.
If you get an email about pork salt and fat, don't open it.
It's Spam.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
Sheep have a clever way of keeping all their four feet warm in the winter; they wear muttons.
I can’t help but laugh a little when I see a pun about chocolate bars… snickers
Who did the Caribbean jerk fall in love with? The Spice Girl next door.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Do you know what is so special about the alphabet soup of Twitter? It only allows 140 letters.
The fruit teacher taught figures of peach in today's class.
Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
Vegetarians can't eat anything with beans in. They don't eat food with a pulse.
I felt like telling you the joke about a strawberry jam on a piece of bread, but I won't. You might go around spreading it.
In Australia, they have a scary lemon dessert that keeps coming back.
They call it Boo-Meringue.
Soup is only musical when it is piping hot.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
What do you call a pastry that is a priest?
A Holy Donut!
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”