Did you hear about the scientist that studied nectarines? He won the Nobel Peach Prize.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
The strawberry was scared of the cream. They were afraid it had gone bad.
What is the difference between a cow that produces normal milk and a cow that produces chocolate milk?
A mootation
What did Mrs. Pea say to his wife after she refused to listen to her? "I don't care, just do as you peas."
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
How does a cookie wish his friends for Christmas? I whisk you a merry Christmas.
Bacon and eggs walk into a bar.
They take their seat and ask the bartender for two draft beers.
The bartender looks at them and says “sorry guys, we don’t serve breakfast here.”
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
What do pizza delivery guys and porn stars both see too much of?
Stiff tips.
The cookie monster couldn’t make his bed, why? Because he couldn’t find his cookie sheets.
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
"It isn't good to keep things bottled up."
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
A chess-nut.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
Why didn’t the chef slice his cheese?
He had grater plans.
When is a pumpkin not a pumpkin? When you drop it; then it's squash!
What do you say to a small onion that has helped you?
Thanks shallot.
Whats the name of the movie about Bacon? Frankenswine, or you can go see Hamlet.
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
American cherries generally do pretty well at high school. Many of them end up on the cherryleading squad.
Nowadays oranges have decided to go out with prune. The reason is that it is becoming so hard to find a date.
At the bar mitzvah ceremony, the Jewish onion greeted his uncle by saying 'Shallot'.
What do oranges have after a hard work out? Juice!
"Oh, sweet child of wine."
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
Q: What do you call an angry pea?
A: Grum-pea!
What’s the difference between coffee and your opinion?
I asked for coffee.
What do you say to an angry 300-pound baked potato? Anything, just butter him up.
"Great minds drink alike."
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
"You had me at merlot."
When I went to the shop to buy some strawberries, they didn't have any. It was such a fruitless trip.
What is a strawberry that likes to spin called? A berry-go-round.
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
My best friend said we're like two peas in a pod. I'm confused, there's only one P in pod.
My father gave me a peach. I told him that I wanted a pear. So he gave me another peach.
I used to work at a nut farm
The work conditions were great but the salary was peanuts
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.