I replaced the milk in the milk carton with lemon juice.
People were really sour about it.
You knead me in your loaf.
Wine puns. They're always in pour taste.
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
What do you call bacon with salt on it?
Salt and Peppa.
What is the angriest nut?
Pissed-aschios
"No wine left behind."
What's a pickle's life philosophy?
Never a dill moment.
Everyday for lunch I like to eat two pears, and my dad knows this.
One day I saw him dropping two pears into a bunch of brown paper bags.
“What are you doing?” I asked him.
“Preparing.”
Why don't bananas snore? Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
I was throwing oranges at tropical birds. One of them caught one then said: “Toucan play that game”
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
What did the boy bacon say to the girl bacon? Girl, you're bacon my heart melt.
What do you call a socialite made of cheese?
Paris Stilton.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
What vegetable is not allowed on ships? Leeks.
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
Do you hear about the pineapple and honeydew who try to get married? The court says that they cant – eloupe.
When the peanut eating diet patient gained weight he went to his doctor to complain. The doctor asked him what he had been eating. The patient said he was eating what his doctor recommended, a nut-rious diet.
Who is the superhero who loves to have soup all the time? Souper-man.
Why was red in awe of orange?
“Because orange blue green.”
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What do you call a frozen frankfurter? A Chili dog.
What is a cheese’s favorite kind of philosophy?
Epistemology and fetaphysics.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
When shouldn't you believe a word your cheese is saying? When it's too Gouda to be true.
Somebody should market a beer called “Occasionally”.
So when asked, I can say, “I only drink occasionally”.
---
What do you call a smart beer?
A Pilsnerd.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it's too hard to put them on the bottom!
Why did the vegetable thief wet his pants?
Because he took a leek!
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
Why don't bananas snore?
Because they don't want to wake up the rest of the bunch.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite Village People song?
Nacho Man.
Do you want to try my soup? I have enough for broth of us!
How did the roommate who stole the last avocado from the fruit bowl justify her thievery?
“I know it’s wrong, but it feels so ripe!”
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
Why did the ice cream truck break down? Because of the Rocky Road.
How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
What did the corn say when it was being followed?
“I’m being stalked!”
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
What are the best vegetables to sleep under?
a can of peas.
How does Moses make coffee?
Hebrews it.