What does a dragon eat with his soup? Firecrackers.
Why do bananas have to wear sunscreen?
Because they peel.
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
What is the name of the dancing chocolate bar?
Nestle Crunk bar.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
Did you hear about the guy who had an addiction to cheddar cheese?
It was only mild.
What kind of ice cream does Dracula eat?
Veinilla.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
Don’t hang around booze hounds. They’re wine-y bitches.
Why did the strawberry get bruised? Because it was under pear pressure.
The only thing that looks like half a strawberry is the other half.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Why did I start making a cherry pie? Bake-cause I love it.
How does a robot eat it’s guacamole?
Microchips.
Me: I think I'll take a dip in the pool.
Lifeguard: What ya got there?
Me: Hummus.
The two slices of bread decided to leave the bakery. I heard that they wanted to grow mold together.
Did you hear about the guy who put little G.I. Joe soldiers at the bottom of his coffee cup?
He’d heard that the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!
I tried to change my email password to “beef stew” the other day. It was refused because it was not stroganoff.
What do you call hot dogs in winter? Chilly dogs!
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
What is the healthiest fruit?
“An orange. It takes Vitamin See!”
The onion husband and wife had a fight, and she told him that he shouldn't have exposed all his layers because it was making her cry.
My wife asked if I'd be available to drain some vegetables next week.
I said I'd check my colander.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
What did the annoyed peach say to the mango?
Man-go away!
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
If my Hindu girlfriend thinks I'm going to eat Indian food, she has another think cumin.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
What do you call an overly cautious cup of tea?
Uncertaintea.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
Knock knock!
Who’s there? Doughnut. Doughnut Who? Doughnut forget to close the door!
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
How did the vineyard launch the new champagne making business?
They crashed a small boat into it.
What do you call a rapper working at Cold Stone? Scoop Dogg.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
Why is it called Almond Milk?
Because no one would buy it if it was called Nut Juice.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
When you mix a salt and water, you get a solution. When you mix a salt and battery, what do you get?
Arrested.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Onions are great at being psychologists as they let people cry their hearts out in front of them.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.