Why do kids love to clean out the cookie jar for Halloween? To make room for Halloween candy.
What makes nuts healthy? They have many nut-rients.
My mother is so fastidious that she eats her alphabet soup in the alphabetical order.
I can't use my laptop anymore because someone spilled apple juice on it.
It was a cider attack.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
Knock Knock.
Who’s there? Donut. Donut who? Donut ask, it’s a secret!
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
What did the cheese say after escaping the mouse? I'm Brieeee!
What do you call a banana who gets all the girls?
A banana smoothie.
What are a submissive's favorite vegetables?
Collared greens.
What is John Lennon's favorite donut? Strawberry' Filled Forever.'
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
What's the best Beatles' song to play at a coffee shop? Latte Be.
The bread did not believe that he could work at his job much longer. He was feeling too crusty.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
What pizza do dogs eat?
Puperoni.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
Which mammal absolutely loves Merlot and Cabernet?
The Wineoceros.
Party Host: Would you like to try some mulled wine?
Party Guest: I'll have to think it over...
A man went to his psychiatrist and complained that every time he drink coffee, he would get a stabbing pain in his right eye.
The psychiatrist said, “Well, have you tried taking the spoon out?”
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
What kind of wine is aged to purr-fection?
Mos-cat-o!
On which website will you learn about the hidden gossips and secrets of the onion world? On the website Wiki-Leeks.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
How many tacos can an octopus eat?
Ten tacos.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
Potato puns are a-peeling.
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
Dad: Did you hear about the cow that was arrested?
Kids: No.
Dad: He was uddermining the authorities.
Why did the man continue to eat whole peaches? Because he has a bottomless pit.
How can we tell the difference between a can of beef soup and a can of pork soup? Just read the labels.
"It's wine o'clock."
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
If a crocodile makes shoes, what does a banana make ? Slippers
What did the pizza say to the delivery guy?
“You don’t pepper-own me.”
…and what did the delivery guy say in reply?
“Hey now, don’t get saucy.”
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
"Is that a yay or cabernet?"
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.