What do you call two peas in a pod?
Peepee
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Everybody romaine calm.
Pizza: the only time top-less isn't fun
My grandmother was famous all over town for growing delicious strawberries.
She made me promise that when she died, I would plant her strawberries on her grave so that people could enjoy them when they visited. When she passed away I fulfilled my promise. She’s dead and berried.
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
What do you call the Commander of a vegetable army?
A kernel.
Why couldn’t the orange dance in the talent show without his partner?
Because it takes two to “tang-o.”
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
Q: How do two cherries make up after an argument?
A: They cherry the hatchet.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
What happens when an onion burps at the most awkward time? It releases tear gas.
My dad always used to tell me, "Never put all your eggs in one basket."
Which is probably why we lost the Easter egg hunt.
What’s an apple’s favorite movie? Mr and Mr Smith.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
What did bacon say to tomato? Lettuce get together.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Onions have had a long process in the evolutionary chain. They have evolved into today's onions from onionderthals.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
My wife doesn't like spicy food and I think it's a cayenne shame.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
Why does cheese look normal? Because everyone else on the plate is crackers.
What do magician avocados say?
Avocadabra!
What do you call an epileptic in a vegetable garden Seizure salad
When the peach lost her mother, it left a deep pit in her heart.
What do sophisticated fish drink? Salt-Tea.
National Herbs and Spices Day is celebrated annually on June 10.
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
What do you give to a sick lemon?
lemonaid.
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
You know I always wanted to open my own sandwich shop. I would have all the meat and bread money could buy...
Problem was I was afraid something would go a rye
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.