Where do vegetables keep their money?
In the credit onion.
It is a bad film because good ones tend to have created atop day-old soup.
What type of bar is kid friendly?
A chocolate bar.
How is divorce like espresso? It's bitter and expensive.
Why did the wheel act so bossy? Cause he was the "Big Cheese."
What do we call a plumb pineapple? It is called a pineapple chunk!
"Adulting makes me wine."
Why are popsicles so snobby?
They have a stick up their butt.
Did you hear about the new watermelon powered cars set to come out next year? Yeah, it’s too bad you only get a water-melon the gallon.
Why do watermelons take such a long time to make decisions?
“They’re always melon it over.”
Americans were preparing peach gelatos, to demonstrate it's right to freeze peach!
What do we get when we cross a Christmas tree with an apple? We will have a pine – apple!
What do you get when you spice up date night? Netflix and Chilis.
The arrogant baker declared, “You’ll never hear a complaint about my doughnuts outside this shop window.”
The customer agreed, “It must be the double glazing.”
If you are ever babysitting a cherry, remember that their favorite cartoon is Tom And Cherry.
Vegans really have a beef with meat.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
Don't talk to him before he's had his espresso or he'll lose his tamper.
The watermelon thief was charged with robbery with violence, but the judge later changed that to a minor felony; or melony as he put it.
In North Korea, you can not throw fruits in the snow as they don't have the right to freeze peach
Tony, where do I even starch? I yam so happy we’re best spuds!
Recently in a meeting at the greengrocer I work at, I asked my manager how he was doing. "Just peachy", he replied.
I lost 90 pounds in 30 days on the juice diet
Every day I bought one juice for 3 pounds.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
What do you give a dog with a fever?… Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
What do you call two banana skins?
A pair of slippers.
A chap goes to see the doctor with salt on one ear and pepper on the other. The doctor says, “You need to start eating more sensibly”.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
The favorite drink for batman is a fruit punch.
I can't get my wife to try Mediterranean food.
She doesn't like hummus, which is a naan-starter.
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
What do get when you cross a chili pepper, steam shovel, and a Chihuahua? Hot, diggety dog.
He says to the doctor, "Help me Doc, what's the matter with me?"
The doctor replies, "That's easy. You're not eating properly."
Husband: "These pears a perfect right now."
Me: "Would you say they're 'pear-fect'?"
"Giving you more reasons to wine."
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
Drinking tea while being too calm can kill you, did you know?
It's called a casual tea.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
Why was the backstroke done by the squirrel?
“The squirrel preferred to maintain his nuts dry.”
This special peach school is for those Peach kids who are suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
Why do people love juicy pineapple? Because it “ripens” their day.
What did the steak say to his girlfriend? You're the apple of my rib-eye!
Nearly got knocked off of my bike by a council salt lorry.
You idiot, I shouted. Through gritted teeth.
What happens after you eat an entire gallon of "All Natural" ice cream? You get Breyer's remorse!