Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
What is a vegetable's favourite part of the song?
When the beet drops!
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What do you call real bacon?
Genuswine
The pecan is ready to come out of its’ shell and see the world.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What do fruits do when they are really really afraid? They run away as fast as their legs can cherry them.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
How does a restaurant get the freshest ingredients? They cut a dill.
What did the apple say to the almond? You're Nuts!
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
I got some salt in my eye
Now it’s sea salt.
You can never make a crumble with just 3.14 strawberries because that would make a pi.
What do you say if someone steps on a banana peel? Well I guess he didn't find that appealing!
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What did the lemon juice say to the baking soda?
Ya basic!
A strawberry usually gets stuck often when it gets jammed.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
I tried to give the guy who came to clean our septic tank out a beer. He said, “I’m not the type of guy who drinks on the job.”
I said, “Yeah, you wouldn’t want you’re boss to catch you sh*t faced.”
He was showing off his new gaming gadget, "it has the latest peach recognition technology" he said.
My DJ friend took my advice and simplified his salad recipe.
he dropped the beet.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What do you get if you cross a pumpkin with a bigfoot?
A Sasquash.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
Peas excuse how bad this pun is.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
I want an almond flavoured biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am.
What is the pineapple’s relationship status? Pineapply married.
Broccoli: I look like a tree. Walnut: I look like a brain. Mushroom: I look like an umbrella. Banan Can we change the topic?
What does a duck that’s made of avocado say?
Guac.
What does a piece of cheese tell you during a game of tag?
Cheez it.
Q: Why are orange and banana phones so popular these days?
A: They have appeal.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
If you’re looking for Valentine’s Day inspiration for a meat loving crush, try “Will you beef my Valentine?”
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
Do you want to hear a pizza joke? Never mind it's too cheesy.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
What do you get when you put Cola in an oven?
Baking soda.
Hundreds of chickpeas were found dead the other day. The police say it's a hummuside.