My girlfriend said we aren't getting married until she has a pear shape
It's the reason we cantaloupe
What kind of cheese do rodents like? Mousearella.
Where did the nut keep his money?
In his cash shoe.
Some cherry puns are just pit-i-ful.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
What kind of candy makes fun of you? Tootsie Trolls.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
What is a basketball players favorite kind of cheese? Swish cheese!
Where should you call if you find a bad cheese shop?
The feta business bureau.
What does a mommy cherry say to her children? I love you cherry much.
And speaking of meloncholy, I heard that’s what you get when you cross a watermelon and broccoli.
Why did the coffee call the police? Because it was mugged.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
What do you call a fruit riding a motorcycle? – An Orange County Chopper.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
What's yellow and writes? A ball-point banana.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
Eating no meat except fish is really bothersome.
I should stop being a Pesky-tarian.
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
What happened to the renegade donuts?
They went down in a glaze of glory.
What do you call a fruity pop star? Katy Peary.
The forecast said that we’re in for a hot summer; better make sure I watermelon everyday or else the yard will dry up.
What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What would a potato say to a peach? – “You have a nice pit!”
The bread baker won the girl over because he kept giving her a flour. How sweet!
The watermelon plant didn’t like sharing a garden with passion vines; but they started to grow on him.
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
Here’s another one; what about an otter who lives in an emptied out melon? An ottermelon.
What do you call a potato that’s reluctant to jump into boiling water? A hesi-tater.
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Did you hear about the CEO that got fired at the dairy farm? He was skimming a little bit off the top.
Why will the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch!
How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.
What kind of fish is only made of salt.
A tu-na.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
I asked the pianist if he could play the Chick Pea Song.
He said, "Maybe. Can you hummus a few bars?'
What would you call someone who cheats others while selling milk? A skim artist.
What if someone made raisins with juice in them
That would be grape.
What’s a donut’s favorite lullaby?
“Sprinkle, Sprinkle Little Star.”
Topside, silverside and brisket tend to groan when they get up from their chairs. This is because they are achey joints.
What do you call an apple that's been around the world? Johnny Appleseed.
Ladies, if he can't appreciate your fruit jokes, you need to let that mango.