What’s a calendars favorite fruit?
Dates.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
When I was in basic training we couldn't have salt or pepper.
Those were reserved for the seasoned veterans.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer? Because his wife told him to ice it!
What do you call a small Subaru car covered in road salt?
An Impretzel!
When I was learning how to cook soups, my mum asked me to follow my instinct. She asked me to go with the pho.
What does a good spice rack help you win? The Hunger Games.
Where do Russians get all of their milk from? Mos-cow!
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
I asked the Korean grocer for something to spice up my meals, but I think I got a raw dill.
What can you make with 6.02 x 10^23 avocados?
Guaca-mole.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Why did one pineapple invite another to their party? Because they were real piner-pals.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
Good work, we’re raising your annual celery
Strawberries are only made in the strawberry plant.
The soup chef changed the design of his menu. He said his new favorite font is Times New Ramen.
We all know that monkeys of all species love bananas, however, there is one family that doesn’t really fancy them, the orang-utans.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
What should you do if you drop a root vegetable face down?
Turnip over.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Why did the police arrest the milk after it was poured into a bowl of Fruit Loops? They witnessed him drown them. They knew he must be a cereal killer!
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
How do you celebrate orange drink that doesn't expire?
Woo! Tang is forever!
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
Where do you put nectarines when you want to freeze them? Inside the peach-zer.
Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
I tried looking up ice cream puns on the Internet...
But then my browser froze.
What do you call a strong pumpkin?
A Jacked-o-Lantern.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
So I was cleaning my spice cabinet...
and now I have a lot of thyme on my hands!
Why does it take a while before a peach leaves a fruit basket? They have to give a goodbye peach first.
What did the oreo cookie say to his filling? You’re my butter half.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.