What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
The jam bank went bankrupt because of the series of strobberies in the last quarter.
I have so mushroom in my heart for you.
What did the Mexican heavy metal guitarist say to his bandmates?
“Rock out with your guac out.”
What am I? A tea bag you dirty minded human...
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
How do you get a Minecraft themed party started? Let them eat cake.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
Why was the sweet potato too shy to ask out the russet potato? Because he was a real spud.
How does a cheese tell you they want to be with you?
“I think you and I would look gouda together.”
I tried telling a joke while drinking my juice for breakfast, but nobody got my punch line.
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
Cashier: Sir, would you like me to put your milk in a bag?
Dad: I would much rather keep it in the carton!
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
Somebody was doing a speech and said, "This might be corny," and pulled out a couple of canned corns. Guess what happened next?
Total pundemonium.
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
I went to Taco Bell and order nacho fries
the person behind the counter wouldn't give them to me, just kept saying "nacho fries".
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
What happened after an explosion at a French cheese factory? All that was left was de brie.
Sometimes, all you need is to shake a few trees to find the perfect peach for you.
Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake?
Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!
What's red and has 7 dents in it?
Snow white's cherry!
Q: Did you hear about the pea that changed careers?
A: He went into a different field!
Strawberries are considered to be the most bullied fruits because they're always getting picked on.
What do u get from a perverted apple? Hard Cider.
If you are a fan of alphabet soup, then you might also know times new ramen.
Why does the lettuce always win the bodybuilding competition?
Cuz it starts a head and is usually shredded.
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
Usain bolt must be a fruit
Have you seen that mango?
Did you hear about the man chopping an onion with the Grim Reaper?
He was dicing with death
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
I asked my nectarine friend how she was doing after her break up and she said 'It's the pits, man.'
Q: What do you call two peas in a pod?
A: Peepee.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
If you speak Hebrew and life gives you lemons...
You're an acidic Jew.
One strawberry said to the other, “Were it not that you were so sweet, you wouldn’t have ended up in this jam.”
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
Someone who eats bananas must like them a whole bunch.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.