Did you hear that the diet clinic was doing great business? They say that it’d really take your breadth away.
What did the boss say to his pizza during their meeting?
There’s mushroom for improvement.
Following a recipe, says I need: pears, five cubed. 125 sounds like a lot of pears for a pie…
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky.
Why did the tomato turn red? It saw the salad dressing!
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
Q: Why did the pea sell his car?
A: The back seat didn’t have enough legume.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
"I need to re-wine my life."
Which type of wine do horses request most often?
Chardon-neigh.
Why did Eve want to leave the garden of Eden and move to New York ? She fell for the Big Apple !
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
I met him yesterday, he was on his way to meet the counselor for a peach therapy session.
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
What do you call a walnut in a narwal costume? A nar-walnut.
What is a vampire who loves eating strawberry jam called? A jampire.
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
I had a goat’s cheese pizza the other day.
He wasn’t happy.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anybody can roast beef!
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
When should you take a cookie to the doctor? When it feels crummy. What do the cookie and the computer have in common? They both have chips.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
I hate lentils but I love peas. They're more ap-peas-ing to my pealate.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
How do you know when a potato is in a bad mood? When they are acting salty
A farmer complained that he didn't have enough fruit to make a living.
I told him he needs to grow a pear.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
I'm going to tell you all a story about strawberries.....
Once a punnet time....
I replaced the milk in the carton with lemon juice. Everyone was really sour about it.
What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
A pistachio.
What do you get when you cross an orange with a parrot? A carrot.
What's the motto of vegetables? Don't worry, pea happy.
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
Why did the croissants take the donuts and bagels to Disneyland?
They thought it would be fun for the hole family.
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
I lost one pea from my plate at dinner the other day. It was an escape-pea.
Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
My brother gave me whole milk, but I can only have nut milk with my cereal. How dairy!
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
Why didn’t I believe what the cheese salesman told me?
It was too gouda to be true.
Eggs are going up again.
That'll surprise a few chickens.
Q: What did the old orange see before it died?
A: The grim ripe-r.
My local restaurant recently lost out on an entire order of the best local beef. No one has herd what happened to it.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
Why was the white wine's off-beat pun so boo-ed?
Because it was too corky.