If you’re looking for potato puns, you can count on me to chip in.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
You shouldn’t put orange slices in your beer. Well, maybe once in a Blue Moon.
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
The nectarine academic is doing a Ph.D. in 'Peach and Language Psychology' from the University of Georgia.
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
People who use sleeping bags in the woods are soft tacos for bears.
You make me hap-pea, we're like two peas in a pod.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
What cheese should you use to hide a horse? Mascarpone.
Trying to find a new place, I don’t need mushroom.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
What did the Catholic Nectarine Priest say to the church? Peach be with you. It was a normal thing to hear from the pul-pit.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
What do you call a cow that has 1 leg? Steak
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
"Wine a little, laugh a lot."
When potato chips don’t sell fast enough, the maker knows it will soon be crunch time.
What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?
French onion soup.
I got a pear stuck in my toilet. All I needed to do was flush and it was gone.
Because a flush always beats a pair.
What kind of chocolate do they sell at the airport? Plane Chocolate!
If Santa made love to a pickle, what would they call their baby?
Claussen.
What do bread kids say during hide-and-seek?
Bready or not, here I crumb!
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
How are a car and a bicycle similar?
“You can’t make watermelon juice out of either of them.”
A new bakery in town began ding extremely well. They said that business was definitely on the rise.
So I asked Satan if he had any milk I could drink...
He told me "No whey in Hell!"
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
What was the event of the onion family getting back together called as? A family reonion.
Why did the orange become juice?
It couldn't handle the pressure.
What's the difference between black eyed peas and chickpeas?
Black eyed peas can sing a tune, chickpeas can only hummus one.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
What’s the difference between England’s football team and a tea bag
A tea bag stays longer in the cup.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What do you call a barking pumpkin?
A gourd dog.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
Our daughter eats her corn one kernel at a time.
She's a unicorn.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
I am going bananas. Thats what i say to my bananas before i leave the house