What do you call a sad cup of coffee? A depresso.
Q: How do you make a blueberry?
A: You strangle a pea.
My wife came home angry from the gynecologist after he told her she had to stop using lemon douche
She's been such a sour puss about it.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
What's a hen's favorite shipping company?
Federal Egg-spress.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Q: What video games do fruits play?
A: Peach ball.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
What did the avocado say to the fork? “You guac my world.”
Ciabatta stay away from me because I don’t want naan of that. That’s one way to tell someone to keep away.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
Did you hear about the fruit who was convicted of armed robbery?
“Now he’s a waterfelon.”
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
What is a ghost peppers favorite Leonardo Dicaprio film? Catch me if you Cayenne.
Why was the orange skeptical of everyone around him?
He was planted with a seed of doubt.
What do ghoul scouts hope to achieve by selling halloween cookies? They hope to make a good first impression.
What do you call chick peas in a cavern?
Humus Sapiens
What cut of meat do you get from an extremely tired butcher?
A filet mid-yawn
Where do pepperonis go on vacation?
The Leaning Tower of Pizza.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !
What does a worry wart drink? Safe-Tea.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
Why do hens lay eggs?
Because if they dropped them, they'd break.
What's in a honeymoon salad?
Lettuce alone
What did the orange say when a knife pierced it’s peel? Flesh wound.
How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
I didn’t have a map of the corn maze, so I had to play it by ear.
Why did the baker quit making donuts?
Because he was fed up with the hole business!
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
I made some fish tacos last night....
But they just ignored them and swam away.
What do you call an emotionally unstable peanut? Peanut brittle
What are the four seasons?
Salt, Pepper, Sugar and Flour.
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
I recently heard on the news that due to newly detected fungus infection in the onions, the government was recalling all the recent packages of the vegetables. Despite being a farmer, I had no tears to shed over this.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
Three tomatoes are walkin' down the street.
Papa Tomato, Mama Tomato and Baby Tomato.
Baby Tomato starts lagging behind, and Papa Tomato gets really angry.
Goes back and squishes him and says: "Ketchup."
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
The Paddington bears don’t eat lots of marmalade sandwiches because they are already stuffed.
What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
Did you hear what happened with the sourdough bread? It really rose to the occasion today.
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.