When I got mugged on my way back from the greengrocers, I was peach-less!
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
I’d like to tell a joke about salt but then said to myself: "Na."
What’s the best thing to put in a donut?
Your teeth.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
Why can't chefs play baseball? They always get caught trying to steal a basil.
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Why is the chef so mean?
He beats the eggs.
Why didn’t the mom peanut give her children a nutty chocolate bar? Because the sugar makes them bounce off the wal-nuts.
What’s the opposite of coffee?
Sneezy.
A fruit was madly in love, it was peachy–keen.
Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake." Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
Is beef soup good for our health? Not if you are the cow.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
Do you know what you call the outside of a watermelon?
“Rind of.”
Someone asked me recently why I don't put any ketchup or mustard on my hotdog
And I told them it's because I just wanna relish it.
Why was the baker in a serious panic? He thought that he was in a loaf or death situation.
Maturity is typically most rapid in a low latitude, where women and pineapples most do thrive.
What's green and swims in the sea?
Moby Pickle.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
Milk aliens have landed. They said 'take me to your litre'.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
Be careful! Theres a deadly fruit on the loose
He has 7 charges of armed Strawbbery.
I just caught a walking pear tree...
In my Pear Ent trap.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Why did the egg go to school?
To get egg-ucated.
What type of nut do you find in the toilet?
A pee-nut.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
Meat cutters are really no good at stand up comedy; they tend to butcher all the best jokes.
I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
This year I'm carving my pumpkin to look like an intricate ball of rope, so it can be a gourd-ian knot.
"Another glass? Wine not?!"
Q: What’s a nectarine?
A: A peach with balding problems.
Know what kind of cookies rich people love? Fortune cookies.
What is a squirrel’s favorite drink? A Peanut-Kola-da.
I met a girl that owned three french-fry factories. I was impressed but to her it was just small potatoes.
What is a cow's favorite deli meat? Bull-ogna!
Why did the orange go to the doctor?
“It wasn’t peeling well.”
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
Why is Mrs Mayo mad at Mr Ketchup?
She caught him watching the salad dressing again.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
What’s yellow and swings from cake to cake?
Tarzipan.
Did you hear about the watermelon who starred in a telanovella?
“It was melondramatic.”
You spilled your entire cup of coffee? What's sumatra with you?