What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
What do all the onions decide to do over unfair wages? They decide to form a labor onion.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
What do you call it when you order the same donut every day?
A do-rut!
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
Why did black chocolate cry over his wine glass?
Because it was his bitter half.
It’s common for people with heartbreaks to crumble.
There are actually two types of apple: pine – apple and bad – apple.
What do you call a piece of cheese that likes to shoot hoops? Swiss!
Do you know why does your mother often shave a peach when cooking? Because she only needs nectarines for the recipe.
A strawberry who is a thief is called a rob-berry
Why did they put Viagra in chocolate bars? You eat it, She says, "Oh, Oh Henry!"
What did the arrogant pickle say?
I'm kind of a big dill.
What do you call an island populated entirely by cupcakes?
Desserted
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What kind of cookies do poor people want during Halloween? Fortune cookies.
How do hot dogs greet each other? They say “give me some skin!”
Having chicken broth before the game was a sure shot way to maintain energy for the Soup-er Bowl.
I'd tell you about a girl that eats nothing but vegetables,
but I'm sure you've herbivore.
What type of relationships do hotdogs like to have? A frank relationship, they can’t stand lies.
What’s a pizza maker’s favorite song?
Slice, Slice Baby
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
Who is a potato’s favorite author? Edgar Allen Poe-tato.
What do you call fraudulent milk? Cow-nterfeit.
Why didn't the butcher cross the road? He didn't want to brisket!
What did baby clock ask mama clock? Where's father Thyme.
When the orange started peeling, he was glad it was finally cutting some weight.
"Thanks a brunch for the meal!", said the punny man when he sat to eat.
The perfect name for a sad and morose strawberry is a blueberry.
Why did the peach go to the therapist? It was in a pit of despair.
How do you know it's cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get chocolate ice cream!
Why is corn popular around Halloween?
Because it’s so earie.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
What happened after the conifer fell in love at the orchard? A pineapple tree.
Why don't anarchists drink green tea?
Because it helps fight free radicals.
For the last few Sundays, I have been receiving an onion pun in the mail. I don't know who is sending them. Guess it is onionymous.
How does lettuce listen to music?
Headphones.
Sherlock Holmes enters a room carrying a box of lemons
"Where'd you get those?" asks Watson.
"A lemon tree, my dear Watson. A lemon tree."
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
What’s the worst thing about a bread pun?
It tends to get stale.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite type of music?
R n’ Brie.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
What drink do you need to steal? Virgin-tea. Why do hipsters only drink iced tea? Because ice was water before it was cool.
What do we call a scientist who specializes in pineapples? He might be called a pineappleologist!