Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake?
“What’s eating you?”
Which type of wine only comes in a box?
Carbordeaux.
My girlfriend was seasoning the soup. I asked, "What spice is that?", and she replied "Sage".
I said, "Sounds wise".
Do you know the hardest part about making skimmed milk? Having to throw the cows across the lake.
I had lunch once with a chess player at a restaurant with checked tablecloths. It took him 3 hours to pass me the salt.
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
How long does it take to brew Chinese tea? Oolong time.
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up!
Did you hear the little loaves playing hide-and-seek earlier? They kept yelling, “Bready or not, here I come!”
Why shouldn't you buy illegal seasonings? It's always a shady dill.
Ran out of toilet paper today. We’re now using lettuce leaves.
Today was just the tip of the iceberg. Tomorrow romaines to be seen.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
What Christmas carol do candy bars sing? Almond Joy To The World.
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
Why was the bread actor so unhappy?
She lost out on a juicy roll.
What is the perfect name for a sad strawberry? It is called a blueberry.
Why is the pickle container always open?
Because it's ajar.
I hate it when I run out of bread for breakfast. I am lack-toast intolerant.
Which fruity singer was a judge on 'The X Factor'? Cherry Cole.
Milk is the fastest drink on the planet. It's pasteurized before you even see it.
What did the vegetables say to the Salad Dressing? Lettuce all smile.
"Adulting makes me wine."
What do you call a cow that only produces almond milk? One that went nuts.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
What did the Cheese salesman say? That cheese may be Gouda, but this one is Feta!
Why do bananas wear suntan lotion? Because they peel!
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
If mom leaves her alphabet soup on the stove and forgets about it, it would spell disaster.
On Father's Day my family went strawberry picking. Later on, we decided to make a jam...
...from the fruits of our labor
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
An owner of a pizza shop has just been found dead covered with pineapple, ham, mushrooms, and pepperoni. Word is that he topped himself.
How do you know when a potato is high? When it looks baked!
What do you call a pastry that is a priest? A Holy Donut!
What do you call a pig squished by sand? A ham sandwich.
I was souper excited to hear some soup puns for the comic chef - but his performance did not excite miso much.