Where’s the best place to find out information about pistachios?
The inter-nut.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
No one laughed at my soup puns. I said "When I crack a soup joke, everyone is soup-posed to laugh".
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
My wife said that onions are the only vegetable that makes her cry
So I threw a pumpkin at her
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
What did the therapist say to the pineapple? Look on the bright side.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
What did the Mama Hot Dog say to the little frankfurter? Ketch-up! Why did the blonde put a sweater on her hot dog? Because she wanted a chili dog.
What do you get when you dip a kitten in chocolate?
A Kitty Kat bar.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
My daughter picked up a piece of fruit and asked, "Is this a pear?"
"No," I replied, "there is only one."
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Peanut.
Peanut who?
Peanut butter open the door!
Some people think anyone who sells meat is gross. But, people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
The young loaf of bread ended up getting fired from his job because he kept loafing around. Poor guy.
A skeleton walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a beer and a mop.
I fed my wife some ground chick peas and she choked to death
The police are treating it as a hummuside.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What did the cherry say when it won its third Olympic gold medal? That's just the cherry on top of a successful career.
What's a baby gherkin's favorite TV channel?
Pickleodeon.
"Are you sure about this?"
"Crust me, I'm on a roll."
Why shouln’t you rub avocado in your eyes?
You might get guacoma.
Why was the man holding a bottle of ketchup? Because it was raining cats and hot dogs.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
Why doesn't cheddar like to party with crackers? Someone always cuts the cheese.
What’s the best part of a cow? The topside, of course.
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
How do you know it’s cold outside? When you milk a brown cow you get
chocolate ice cream.
Why are hot dogs angry? Because they are always getting roasted.
I tried buying a car from a religious person and got a lemon!
I suppose you get what you prayed for..
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
One day, a young weasel went to the bar. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.” The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel.
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
What would a peach say to its girlfriend or boyfriend? – “You will always have a peach of my heart, baby!”