The difference between popcorn and pea soup, is that you can pop corn, but you can't pea soup.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
My business that sells strawberry juice has gone into liquidation
I don’t like mangoes. I asked my boyfriend if he thinks they’ll grow on me one day.
He said “I think they can. You just need to be watered properly.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? De-brie went everywhere!
What does a loaf of bread say when breaking up with his girlfriend?
You deserve butter.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
What is a monkey's favorite cookie? Chocolate chimp!
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
Why do baby seals swim in salt water? Cause pepper water makes them sneeze.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, it's the best thing for a hot dog.
I recently read a book by an onion which had opened up on its life. Midway through the book, I started crying.
Remember to stop and smell the rosé.
After his meal, the cannibal wipes his mouth and says: “My wife cooks the greatest soup in the world. But I will miss her so much.”
What’s Another Name For iPhone Chargers?
Apple Juice.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
Who is the best kung fu vegetable?
Brocc lee.
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
Why was the peach so sad at the funeral? It left a deep pit in its heart.
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
What do you get when you cross Frosty with a baker?
Frosty the Dough-Man!
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
I once saw a guy burn to death after nutting
“He cumbusted”
What do you drink if you want to freshen your breath? Mint-Tea.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
I introduced chocolate to milk. They did a chocolate milk shake.
What do you get if you cross an apple with a shellfish? A crab apple !
Why did the orange fall out of the tree?
It went out on a limb.
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do dairy products say when they make a basketball shot? Colby!
I squeezed a lemon on my wife's lap two hours ago...
She's been a sourpuss about it ever since.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
At a meeting, Mr. Tomato asked Mr. Peach, "Can you give me the peach cobbler's number, I need to mend my shoes".
You've really struck a gourd with me...
Q: Why did the fruit finish her homework so quickly?
A: Because the homework was a peach of cake.
They were building a meat tower next door.
The steaks just kept getting higher.
What’s the only fruit that never gets lonely?
A pear.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Why did he skeleton go to the barbecue? To get another rib.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
When the egg saw the pan, it was terri-fried.
I allow myself only one donut per year.
This morning I had 433 B.C., 1731, and 1952.
What is green and brown and crawls through the grass? A Girl Scout who has lost her cookie.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
What did the commedian say after after a bad set?
That crowd was laughtose intolerant.