If you can't get Swine Flu from eating bacon what can you get? A1: Obesity A2: Heart Disease A3: Hardening of the Arteries.
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
Where do bugs go to watch the big game? Apple-Bees.
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
Did you hear about the ice cream that went to prison?
They got their just desserts.
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
Can I have some of your avocado?
GUAC NO! I give zero guacs! You need to guac off!
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
What did the farmer yell out when ducks invaded his dairy farm? Cheese and crackers!
What kind of wine do they serve at the horse races?
Chardon-neigh!
Why did you find a stoned able Sherlock Holmes applying ketchup to your front yard ??
Because he's a high-functioning sauce-your-path.
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
Q: How do you call a magic berry?
A: Cherry Potter.
Why are watermelons, such good entrepreneurs?
“They always have seed money.”
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
A bowl of salad went to church
Lettuce pray.
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
So, how on earth did the police catch the watermelon thief without a solid description? Don’t really know; guess the bloke was acting seedy.
What beer does everyone at the orphanage drink?
Foster's.
In some way, being a bowl of soup is like being a man. You are only blown when you are hot!
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
Why should you always bring a bag of tortilla chips to a party?
In queso emergency.
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What is the name of the country near Iraq that is made entirely of cheese? Curd-istan
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor?
Because it was feeling crumby!
How do you get the most apples at Halloween? Take a snorkel.
"Scone be a lot of fun. Wheat love for you to join us."
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
We’re a perfect mash.
What does a cheese lover say when someone keeps messing around with them?
“You gouda brie kidding!”
Teacher: What are the seasons? Student: Salt, pepper, ginger...
A lemon says to an orange, “What are you up to?”
The orange replies, “Not much. Just hanging ‘round.”
A dog in a pumpkin patch is called...
a pumpkin pooch.
What do you call a girl with no arms, no legs, sitting in a watermelon patch?
“Melanie! (melon-y)”
Why would an oreo cookie need to visit a dentist? To get a filling replacement.
What do you call two cookies from the same cookie sheet who fall in love? A batch made in heaven.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
I've been on a real hummus kick lately, so as I came home from work tonight, my sister says to me "You're always bringing home hummus now." To which I replied, "Hummus where the heart is!"
Have you heard the one about the lemon cat?
It was a real sour puss.
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
What did the baby corn call his dad?
Pop corn!
What wisdom did the daddy cheese pass down to his son?
A curd in the hand is worth two in the bush.
What do you call pears with no ears?
Deaf.
Why did the peach think he was a pear for a while? He was feeling awfully green at first, but eventually his face became red.
Hot dog, I love a good meat pun.
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.