Why did the one legged clown leave the cheese circus? Because he couldn't get his stilton.
My doctor tells me I've got a bacon addiction.
Thankfully he thinks I can be cured.
What do you do when your partner drinks your coffee? I don't know, but that's certainly grounds for divorce.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
What do you call a cup of leaf juice that doesn’t want to be a dad?
Absent-tea parent.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What rhymes with orange?
No, it doesn’t.
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
What do you call a nut who works hard? One who burns the mid-nut oil.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
How did the egg get up the hill?
It scrambled up.
What happened when the butcher backed up into the meat grinder? He got a little behind in his work!
If fish is brain food, what do dumb people eat? Noodle soup.
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
I like European food so I decided to Russia over there because I was Hungary. After Czech'ing the menu I ordered Turkey. When I was Finnished I told the waiter 'Spain good but there is Norway I could eat another bite'.
The retiring orchard gardener made a farewell peach that was really heart-warming.
What kind of potato do you want to take home to your parents? A sweet potato.
I’m chocolate to my appointment!
What did the lovesick pig sing to his girlfriend? Don't go bacon my heart!
Did you know that milk is a very religious beverage? Most of them are pastor-ized.
My boss accused me of "acting the monkey" at work.
I almost choked on my banana.
How many peaches can you fit inside two cans? It depends how big the Toucans are and if they eat peaches.
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
Why did the blonde throw her favorite doll on the grill? She thought it was a Barbie-Q.
Do not eat that alphabet soup, or you will have a vowel movement.
What did the duck eat for lunch? Soup and Quackers.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery?
Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
What can you only drink in the Middle East? Dust-Tea.
I think I drank some expired milk. I just have a gut feeling.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
What’s the difference between a delivery driver and the pizza they deliver?
The pizza can feed a family of four.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
What is the correct answer to Hummus?
A cow.
What is a Malaysian chocolate factory called?
Oompa Lumpur
Why are cherries unassuming? Because they often get made into humble pie.
What's the difference between a pickle and a psychiatrist?
If you don't know, you ought to stop talking to your pickle!
When soup feels strained and stressed, where would it go? – A broth-el!
How do you spell banana? E, V, I, L. Do banana's drink coke or pepsi? Neither, they drink blood because they're evil.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
Did you hear? The pilgrims rode the May-Flour so that they could bake bread as they went to America. This is a cute option.
I can’t remember who it’s by, but you could have “It Started With A Hershey’s Kiss”.
Why couldn't the teddy bear finish his dessert? Cause he was stuffed.
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
What do you call a hobbit who has bad breath? He is known as Lord of Onion Rings!
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Why could I not imagine to have milk in the afternoon? Because it was beyond my wildest creams.
"What did the toaster say to the slice of bread?" "I want you inside me!"