"Chardonnay or should I go?"
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
How do the Vietnamese like their soup? Purrrrrfect.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? A; Because he heard the cakes were rich.
"You are so bottlefull to me."
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Bananas, for breakfast, are such an a-peeling choice.
Who is the funniest fruit around? Cherry Seinfeld.
He is the best chef in the city. His soups take my broth away.
“We are experiencing slight tuber-lence on the flight”
What do you call a potato wearing glasses? A spec-tater!
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What do you call an everyday potato? A commentater!
I had this disturbingly long dream that I was making a salad.
I was tossing all night.
How should you bury an onion?
... in a shallot grave!
What did the nectarine say after the church service? The peacher gave a great sermon!
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
What do you call it when someone hits avocados repeatedly with a hammer?
Gu-whack-a-mole-e.
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
A lettuce farm was busted by the FDA on suspicion of combining plant and human DNA to create a new protein hybrid.
When they dug up the grounds the found human romaines.
Did you hear the one about the apathetic vegetable?
It didn't carrot all.
I went to watch a play and there were so many peach errors in the dialogues.
Why did the blonde buy a brown cow? To get chocolate milk.
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
What is the most popular valentine among nuts? The one that says “I’m nuts for you.”
I was walking past the store today when I saw a sign saying, "All items one-third off."
So I bought a dozen eggs. Unfortunately four of them were rotten.
Where do eggs go on holiday?
New Yolk.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder nut milk.
Why was the pear by himself? Because the banana split.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
My bag of fruit snacks had all grapes
Today’s gonna be a grape day!
Why did the banana go out with the prune? Because he couldn't find a date.
Although many other vegetables live above the ground, onions live underground. This is because they have many lairs.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
Why did the giant use clouds to make pancakes? To make them light and fluffy.
Why do the French eat snails? They dislike fast food.
What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
“Nice spread!”
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
What does a cheese like to drink after a long day?
Morbier.
What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
What should you drink before you workout? Sweat-Tea.
Why did the hen lay her egg on the axe?
She wanted to hatchet.
What do you call an onion monk who is present everywhere? Ommnion!
What's so special about twitter alphabet soup? It only has 140 letters.
An Native American drank 100 cups of tea.
Next day they found him dead in his tea pee.