My doctor said I need to change my diet. He said I should eat more more caviar and drink more champagne. So, I said, "That's insane! What kind of a diet is that?" He replied, "It's called a High Fluten Diet."
Avoid discussing coffee in sensitive company. It can make for a heated and strong debate.
Q: Why did the cherry stop in the middle of the road?
A: It ran out of juice.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
The soup was busy and preoccupied. He was stewing over something his friend said.
Did you get a side of hummus?
It's a hummuside.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
Q: Why couldn’t the orange believe that her friend had let her down?
A: This was because citrus-ted him!
I seem to have run out of tea...
What a catastrotea.
Why are men like coffee? The best ones are rich, hot, and can keep you up all night!
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
Why was Tony Soprano fat? Cause he thought getting a slice of the pie was a piece of cake.
My doctor told me "No more spicy food.", but I decided to have one last fennel fling.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
How can you tell a wine taster is a newbie?
By the blanc look on her face.
Chefs earn a meager celery, cumin home beat they just want to read the pepper and spend thyme with the kids.
I'm worried that the milk I got this morning was from a cloned cow. It tasted exactly like the milk I had yesterday.
What would you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers!
What's the only tea an Englishman can't stand?
Humidity.
When you want to propose to a person who loves strawberries, just say, "I love you berry much."
What do you call bananas who are friends with monkeys? A bunch of idiots.
What do you call people avoiding healthy fats?
Avocadonts.
Do you know why it’s called almond milk?
Because nobody would buy it if it was called nut juice.
What did the blind man say after being handed a cheese grater? "That's the most violent book I've ever read."
When you finish the lemons that life gives you;
Sublime.
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
How far can a mango,
If he's got a license but doesn't avocado ?
A man walks into a bar with a fried egg on his head.
The bartender asks, "Why have you got a fried egg on your head?"
The man replies, "Because boiled eggs fall off."
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!
Did you hear about the love affair between sugar and cream? It was icing on the cake.
Italians are so good at making coffee because they naturally like to espresso themselves.
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
Where do squirrels go for fun?
The acorn-ival.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
Many people have a mythical belief about soup. It is called soup–erstition.
What do you call an onion that keeps on jumping up and down? You call it a spring onion!
Lots of peas work as spies. Espea-onage is very common.
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
Bad vegetable puns are dreadful.
It’s a truly rotten experience.
Strawberries are great musicians because they make perfect jam sessions.
"Rosé all day."
I am a peach, and when my husband accompanies me, we are a pear.
I miss you! I’ll see you tater!
The only type of cookies a cookie monster loves to eat during Halloween is Ghoul Scout Cookies.
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
My wife made gluten free, carb free, salt free spaghetti last night
It was not real food, it was an impasta.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.