I sent my cows to bed at 8pm last night. I told them 'it's pasteur bedtime'.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
Why did the orange stop rolling down the hill? It ran out of juice.
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
What type of chocolate do they sell at the airport?
Plane Chocolate!
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
What did the ice-cream say to the unhappy birthday cake? "What's eating you?"
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
What are strange donuts made out of?
Weird-doughs.
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
My wife asked me this morning "Do you want a bacon omelette?"
I said "No, I'd rather fry one."
What did the Mexican wrestler say after he ate a taco that was too spicy?
“It’s okay, I’ll just guac it off”
What do you get if you cross a jogger with an apple pie ? Puff pastry !
What did the salt say when the phosphate asked to bond with it?
"NaCl ater."
Is tea with additional salt
Salt-tea?
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
Which vegetable is most likely to be your friend?
The broccoli.
My friend mashed up some cherries on halloween and said they were blood. I was cherry-fied!
Soft fruits make really supportive parents. Whenever their youngsters fail at something, they just smile and say “Have another bite at the cherry.”
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
As a butcher, let me advise you never to back up into the meat grinder. It will make you get a little behind in your work.
What if soy milk is just regular milk that's trying to introduce itself in Spanish?
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
What does a cow say to milk? I am your mother.
Like a pro wrestler in a headlock, I’m indulging in a little Sham pain.
What did the salt shaker say to the graint of salt? Why you INSALT MEEE.
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
What do you call an onion who wants to go on romantic dates in Paris? A French onion.
What happened when rockers couldn't get their favorite dessert? Rage against the Broken Ice Cream Machine.
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
What do the ducks have for dinner? They have Quackers and soup.
I was walking down the street when I stood on a banana.
Luckily, I was wearing my Slipknot t-shirt.
What is the favorite punk band of onions? It is a band known as "Good Shallot"!
Why did the daddy peach teach the child peach to shave? He was starting to grow peach fuzz.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
Have you wondered what made the strawberry such a smoothie? It is the yoghurt of course.
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
Why did the farmer feed his pigs a mixture of sugar, vinegar, and soy sauce? He wanted sweet and sour pork.
What became of the pig who got fired from his job? He became canned ham.
What do chocolate, men, and coffee have in common?
They’re only good if they’re rich!
I was surprised at the number of onions needed for this dish- it calls for shallot of onions.
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
Did you hear that they're trying to convict an orange?
It got wrapped up in appeal.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.