I was sitting in the toilet at Taco Bell and it reminded me of my divorce.
It was extremely messy and involved a lot of paperwork.
My doctor told me to cut down on red meat.
So, could you brown it up a bit?
What is the only way one does not have to cry while cutting onions? They simply don't have to form emotional bonds with it.
Which actor is now being quarantined for Swine Flu? Kevin Bacon
What is the easiest way to make a banana split? Cut it in half.
Why don't the Maple Leafs drink tea? Because the Canadiens and Red Wings have all the cups.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
We failed to find the dog's bone because the owner berried it.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
What did the Buddhist monk say to the hot dog vendor? Make me one with everything.
Everything in this world is either a potato or not a potato
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
What do politicans need to drink? Honest-Tea.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
Did you hear about the little grape who didn’t want to be made into wine?
Unfortunately, he was pressed into service!
When do franks tell insults? At a wienie roast!
I invited a turkey over for dinner. He was very late for dinner – when I asked him about it, he said he was busy getting dressed.
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Did you hear about the potato that got its head chopped off? It was decap-potatoed.
Q: Which basketball players eat fruits?
A: The ones who like to cherry pick.
What do you get when you cross Elon Musk and lobster bisque? A souped up car.
Can I have your last avocado?
Avocadon’t you dare.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What did the hamburger coach tell his team after they lost the first round? “You have to keep frying, you can’t give up”.
Why shouldn't you be too inquisitive with a cherry? Ask no questions tell no pies.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
My friend accidentally got salt in his papercut.
Talk about adding insalt to injury.
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Join us and let’s make pizza cheese grate again.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
The oranges have great eyesight because they always keep their eyes peeled.
What do you call a cheese that is an alcoholic? Livarot
What's the difference between a head of lettuce and a unicorn?
One is a funny beast, and the other is a bunny feast!
Which is a meat patty's least favourite day of the week? Fry-day!
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
Interesting fact: A nectarine can also be a peach if it does not have peach fuzz.
The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
Why did the orange go out with a prune? He couldn’t find a date.
Why didn't the kids eat their soup? Because they're stew peed.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
What do you call a group of cows that are on top of a hill? High steaks.
What does a hippy cherry wear to a festival? A pie dye T-shirt.
What makes the soup of a dragon so delicious is the addition of firecrackers.
Why did the birthday cake go to the doctor? Because it was feeling crumby!
There’s a hair in my wine. The grapes must have been fur-mented.
What crime is an egg most afraid of?
Poaching.
Why did the lemon fail its driving test?
Because it kept peeling out
What is the charge for beating someone with a bottle of olive oil and a can of chick peas ?
Attempted Hummus-ide.
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.