I had no clue how much lettuce to buy, so I called my wife from the grocery store.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SpongeBob SquarePants!
What did the pea dad say after a tiring day at work? "I'm desperate for some peas of mind."
I keep thinking I'll make breakfast pancakes, but I end up waffling.
Did you hear about the crab that went to the seafood disco? He pulled a muscle
"Love the wine you're with."
A truck with an entire load of strawberries has crashed on the motorway. It's caused a real traffic jam.
Grandma: Do you like Hummus? Me: I love Hummus....and I sometimes like to singus!
How do you make soup rich? Add 24 carrots.
My local ice cream man was found dead in his garage covered in strawberry sauce and hundreds and thousands.
Police believe he topped himself.
What do you call two banana skins? A pair of slippers
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What do you call a flying cheese?
A curd of prey.
My friend is always trying to make cows nervous. She's a fan of milkshakes.
What did the deer say to each other when they were trying to solve a difficult problem? This is such a deer-lemma!
A mathematician walks into a bar and says, “One beer for me, and 10 beers each for all my friends!”
Bartender: "Now that’s an order of magnitude!"
What happens if life gives you melons? Your dyslexic
Why do donuts make terrible teachers?
They’re always glazing over the important stuff.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
What is a terrorist's preferred kind of wine?
White Infidel.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Things don’t always pine out the way we want them to, but we can-nut give up!
I told my mom there was a crack in her mug...
She said, ”No, only tea.”
What does a cherry say when it delivers bad news? Don't fruit the messenger.
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
How does a vampire make tea? With a used tampon.
What do you get from an Alaskan cow ? Ice Cream
Why was the well done steak a terrible gossip? It wasn't juicy enough!
Did you hear about the pear that fell off of the tree and fell to its death?
The damage was irreparable.
Got the drive-thru girl at Taco Bell..
I pulled up and she said, "what can I get you?" And I replied, "I'll just have a moment for now."
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
I've just invented a new Canadian beer
It's a form of I.P.Eh
Where did the milk write everything about her life? In her dairy.
What did one cheese tell the other cheese on Valentine’s day?
Brie mine.
"Chardonnay or should I go?"
What do you drink with the Queen of England? Royal-Tea.
What is Whitney Houston's favorite kind of lettuce?
Ennnnnnndddiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiivvvee.
"You had me at merlot."
What do you call two pears?
A pair.
What did the tortilla chip say to the avocado?
“Well, this is guacward.”
Why was the cheese asked to leave the restaurant?
The cook said “we don’t serve your rind here”.
Young Billy had to mail a loaf of bread at the toast office today.
I thought about making a new condiment that was a mixture of Ketchup and Mustard.
But then I decided the name KetchTard would be pretty MustUp.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
Do you know what you call it when you place beef between two slices of bread? You get a bull-only sandwich.
What’s the most supportive beer?
Root beer.
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
When the strawberry's favorite song came on, he exclaimed "That's my jam!"
Are avocados good for your heart?
Yes, they make for great avo-cardio.