What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
How do you describe an onion which is in its early stages after birth? You say it is in its onion-ic period of its life.
What do you call a cow who’s just given birth?
De-calf-inated!
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
Kid: Dad, why don’t you approve of the consumption of dairy products?
Dad: Because I was raised lactose intolerant.
I always get pickle and chutney mixed up.
It makes me chuckle.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
The hotdog severely fell behind in school which is why he has to ketchup.
How do monsters like their eggs?
Terri-fried.
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
Did you hear about the man who quit his job at a bakery? They said that it left him loathe of bread.
Did you know you can make a really good music player out of a cherry cake? It’s called a gateau blaster.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What do you call a spinning potato? A rotate-o.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
A young slice of bread came up to his crush. He told her that he was really falling in loaf with her.
What does a birthday cake and a baseball team have in common?
They both need good batters.
What did the paprika tell the salt around Christmas?
Seasonings greetings.
What type of egg refuses to come out of his shell?
An egg-arophobic.
Why did the hummus blush?
Because it saw a chickpea!
How does an ice cream cone congratulate you on the anniversary of your birth?
It’s sherbert day!
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
In the 1970s, hippies loved going to a Grateful Dead concert and getting toasted. That’s certainly the truth.
"Can I get some peas and quiet?!" shouted the pea dad angrily.
What do you call an onion who decides to be very eco-friendly in its approach? You name it a green onion.
What is the difference between pea soup and roast beef? Everyone would roast beef.
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
What is the best way to stop a pizza curling?
Hide its brush.
Why did the cheese get in trouble?
It was up to no gouda.
What did Einstein say when someone tried to steal his beer?
Nein! Mine Stein!
When I was younger, I once smashed up a nest of heron's eggs.
No egrets.
What activity should you do when you’re babysitting little cheeses?
Build a roquefort.
Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
What did the Egg say to the boiling water? It's going to take awhile to get me hard I just got layed by some chick!
What does a posh salad shout before it's eaten?
KELP!
"On cloud wine."
What kind of cookies do vulcans love? Spockolate chips.
What do you call leftover lettuce?
The romaines.
When the mama peach found out that his child had failed his class, she was s-peach-less.
What do you give a horse that has just won the Kentucky Derby? An Appletini.
Did you hear what happened between the cook and the onion?
I think there was a fight. It got a little dicey and tears were shed.
Having pineapple on a pizza is quite like going down on a cousin: It might taste good, but something is not right.
What currency do fruit use to make purchases?
Banana bread!
When do they smother a burrito in cheese? In best queso scenario.