What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
How did Burger King get Dairy Queen Pregnant? He forgot to wrap his whopper!
What do you call a Boston creme donut that’s a straight-A student?
The creme of the crop.
Excuse me waiter, I have a question about the house salad.
Does it come with window dressing?
Walnuts are hard to crack open. It can take several mi-nuts.
How is ice cream as a girlfriend?
The sweetest.
Why did the lettuce stop dating the mushroom?
He though she was a pretty fungal, but didn't have mushroom on its schedule.
Which is the Richest Cheese in the world? Paris Stilton.
Why did the Iron Chef have to stop cooking? He ran out of Thyme.
My friend exports the lilikoi fruit...
He says it’s his passion.
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
I didn’t know you could vape a chocolate bar until my wife told me to stop inhaling them.
Onions are great gymnasts as they have the advantage of swinging on the onion rings.
What do oranges like to listen to?
Musical com-peel-ations.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
To the person who has been eating all of my mixed nuts.
I'm going to cashew.
The pot of coffee he just made is basically break fluid.
I had a meal recently that was made with ketchup and mustard.
It was delicious! My condiments to the chef!
Which sports team do wine lovers always root for?
The Reds!
If you're in a food fight, always throw peas. We need to give peas a chance.
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
I was making a salad the other day, and I thought I heard a small red vegetable that was a bit like an onion whispering. Must have been a hoarse radish.
What do you call a dog with a fever? A hot dog.
Strawberries are the most bullied of the fruits.
They're always getting picked on.
It is a great idea to ask peaches to make your shoes. After all, they make excellent cobblers.
My mother told me to leave the peach cobbler alone on the table. But I couldn't help but watch the cobbler make the beautiful peach shoes.
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
What do you call a watermelon that spends all day at the beauty spa? Must be a hottermmelon.
Whenever I feel like wining, I remind myself to put a cork in it.
What do fruits do when they are avoiding a problem? They cherry their heads in the sand.
What do you call a single, solitary kernel of corn?
A unicorn!
Why didn't the drunk Mexican druglord find the Bacon Tree? Because he walked into a Ham Bush!
I thought I'd have some evaporated milk on my pudding. But when I opened it, it was empty.
What do fruit wear when they go swimming? A one-peach bathing suit.
The man on the table found hair in his soup. He said in rage "I will take the chef to soup-reme court".
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
At a restaurant, the peach said, "Hey, I would like a peach of cake for dessert, thank you!"
What do chickens serve at birthday parties?
Coop-cakes!
My herbs were looking a little scuffed, but when I went to go polish them, my friend was already getting ready to help me out. This made me upset, so I grabbed a sprig out of their hands and said
This is my thyme to shine.
Why are bread puns the greatest? They never grow mold.
Why didn’t the pineapple fit in with the other fruit? Because it’s rough around the edges.
"Personally, I like people who peach on time, and are always punctual," said the strawberry.
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Why did the cookie monster rob the keebler elves? Because they had a lot of dough.
What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?
An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.
The nut said it was very pine-ful when its’ shell cracked.
This joke is like the time I slipped and fell into a salad.
Corny on the Cobb.
My wife looked at me and said “You think you’re pretty sharp, don’t you?”
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
When a man went to the doctor to get rid of the strawberry that was growing out of his head, the doctor told him, "Don't worry. I'll give you some cream for that".