Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
Why is green ice cream so serendipitous?
It was mint to be.
What did the coffee lover name his son?
Joe, obviously.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
I recently got a new job as a golf caddy, but I was fired after less than an hour.
The guy asked me for a sand wedge. I don't think he likes pickle.
What do people with ambition drink? Loft-Tea.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
Did you hear about the cow that committed murder? It was in cow-ld blood! How dairy.
Yesterday I went to the store for only 2 items, a rising crust pizza and a strawberry cake. Fortunately they were relatively light, so bringing it home was a pizza cake!
I yam always very happy to eat sweet potatoes.
Mom, what do we have for dinner? I cannot tell you, son, it is a soup-rise! Is it soup? I soup-pose it would be.
What do you call a bee that makes a milk?
Boo-bee
What kind of donuts can fly?
The plain ones.
Did you hear about the butcher who got into danger? His life was at steak!
What hotel do cheese lover’s stay in?
The Stilton.
What’s a potato’s least favorite dance? The Mash Potato.
What do you call a cow with a twitch? Beef jerky!
Q: Why is a carrot orange and pointy?
A: Because if it was green and round, it would be a pea!
How do the New England Patriots eat their soup? In a Super Bowl.
So I was standing in the grocery store comparing the prices of a couple packs of hummus when my roommate came up to me and suggest the off brand roasted red pepper kind to which I replied:
"Ya, I'm not really sure about that brand. They seem to be very hit and hummus for me."
He was not impressed.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
An egg walks into a bar...
And makes a real mess.
How do you keep bacon from curling in the pan?
You take away their little brooms
Why does your grandma like wine so much?
Because at her age, she needs glasses!
Which type of nut goes to outer space?
An astro-nut
Did you hear what happened to the cheese after its breakup?
It got provolonely.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Butter.
Butter who?
I butter nut tell you.
This guy walks into the doctor's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a banana in his right ear.
Why did the Jack-O-Lantern go to the pumpkin patch?
Because he had holes in him.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
What sport are eggs best at?
Running.
Pirates used to make a delicious snack for themselves by crossing pate with flowers. They called it “lily livered”.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
What drink breaks the ice? Flirt-Tea. How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stopped eating pea soup. I gave it up for lentil.
Which religious figure does dairy products worship? Cheese-us!
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you get when you hghyphotocopy fruit?
Paper jam.
I watched a documentary about corn fields
It was really quite amaizeing
How did Reese eat her soup? Witherspoon.
Why are they called tacos?
They don’t say much.
What do you call a pair of cornstalks that are best friends?
Ear buds!
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
When you cross an orange and a bunny, you will end up with a pip squeak.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
When the little boy was baking a cake why did it run away? Because it said crack 2 eggs then beat it!
What did the judge say at the finale of the meat throwing competition? The steaks have never been higher!