What do prison tennis matches and strawberry jam have in common?
Cons-serve
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
My friends say that I cannot cook alphabet soup for this dinner. And now they are eating their words.
What nut is always begging for attention?
Pssst-tachios.
Our local butcher had to go to the doctor the other day. He didn’t know what was wrong, but said that he was feeling offal.
"I need to re-wine my life."
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
How does the recipe for German Sauerbraten begin? "First invade ze kitchen."
If Jim has 15 watermelons and throws one at Mary, what does Mary have?
“A really bad headache!”
My friend was totally addicted to the cold meat section in our local supermarket. It got so bad, they had to quit cold turkey.
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
Strawberries have berry good eyesight because they are packed with a lot of Vitamin See.
What do you call a pickle lullaby?
A cucumber slumber number.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Q: What’s red and goes up and down, up and down?
A: A cherry in a lift.
Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.
What do you call a very little cherry? Pit-iful.
You’re the tater to my tot. I miss you a lot!
Q: What is a peach’s favorite book?
A: War and Peach
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? CHICKEN CAESER SALAD.
What kind of socks do you need to plant cayenne pepper? Garden hose!
What did the oranges do after concluding the meeting?
They peeled the deal.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it? A “hollow-weenie!”
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
Do you know what the favourite soup of a ghost is? It is the Scream of Broccoli.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are on the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
The worst type of criminal is he who mugs other people's coffee.
I saw a road sign the other day that said "Dip In Road"
I turned the corner and drove straight into a load of hummus
You really ate dog meat? How was it?
.... ruff
Too tired, I’m out of aspara-gas.
I caught my sister click and post a picture of the soupy noodles yesterday. She was actively instagramen.
My pet cow thinks she produces almond milk. She must be nuts.
Did you hear about the lowest grade of steak? It's where the rubber meats the road.
What does bread say to a friend after doing them a favor?
It’s the yeast I could do.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Corn mazes should be renamed Maize mazes.
What happened when a farmer crossed a chili pepper, a shovel, and a pitbull? He got a hot-diggity-dog.
Why did the butcher work overtime at the grocery store? To make ends meat!
The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.
I saw a strawberry with a gun, robbing a man. I am guessing he was in a jam.
Dad: How does a farmer keep his cows in line?
Kids: How?
Dad: He keeps them a-cow-ntable!
The walnut got in trouble for pecan through the window.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
What do you get when you put the number 3.14 in the middle of the onions? You get o-pi-nions!
The other day I asked an Alaskan guy if he wanted to eat some seal meat.
He wasn’t really inuit
What happens when you buy too much ice cream?
Breyer’s remorse.
Why are some cake jokes not as good as the others?
They tend to grow mold.