What do lawyers snack on?
Plea-nuts.
What did the rabbit say to the lettuce?
Romaine calm, I’m here for the carrots.
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
Some peas rolled off my plate, and one went far further than the rest. He was the cham-pea-on.
I can't drink milk. I lactose genes required to digest it.
What kind of candy is never on time? ChocoLATE
There’s muffin I wouldn’t do for breakfast.
I found my son sleeping in a pile of peas. May he rest in peas.
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
What happened to the cheery that showed up for the tomato auditions? He was called an imposter.
What's green and pecks on trees?
Woody Wood Pickle.
He apologized for driving the orange to the edge of the blade
How do you get a mouse to smile?
Say cheese.
An artist painted a wonderful fruit painting. It was a beautiful peach of work.
When I told my friend an onion pun, he started crying. I asked whether they were tears of happiness?
Why do donuts hate puns so much?
They donut like to joke around!
Keep calm and carrot on.
How did the Mother Banana spoil the Baby Banana? She left him out in the sun too long.
How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
What’s an apple’s favorite restaurant? Applebee’s.
I figured out a way to chop onions without crying...
The trick is avoiding getting emotionally attached to the onion.
I once attended the saddest watermelon funeral I’ve ever been to. I gotta say, I’ve never seen anything so meloncholy in my life.
The least favorite day for an orange is a juice day.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
All the contestants at the pig Olympics were very happy with their prizes. They each won pork medallions.
My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.
How do you know when a cheese is full of himself?
Whatever you say, he’ll say he is feta.
What kind of celebration pays down the national debt? A tea party.
What do we call the period in between eating a peach? – It is called a pit stop.
Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!
Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
Patient: "Nurse im suffering from bacon disease!" Nurse: "Baloney"
Why did the man keep punching his doughy friend?
To get a rise out of him!
Have you heard about the chocolate box thief? He’s always got a few Twix up his sleeve.
What do you call an anthropomorphic animal blended in ice cream?
A McFurry
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
What did the priest say before he and his family ate their salad?
Lettuce pray.
Why did the principal bring Clam Chowder to school? For the Soup-erintendent.
What did the fruit bowl say when it saw Santa Claus come down the chimney? We wish you a cherry Christmas!
Picking strawberries can be a very fruitful endeavor!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Walnut.
Walnut who?
I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
What do you call a male orange?
Mangerine!
Mom: *Struggling to make a decision between 1% or 2%.
Dad: Milk up your mind!
They asked how the watermelon farmer felt after winning the lottery; clever bugger said he felt like a melon bucks.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
Did you know, you can actually hide a gigantic elephant in a cherry tree? All you need to do is paint its toenails red. I bet you don’t believe me – but have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree? I rest my case.
What do you call a house that likes food? a Condoment!
Why did the butchers meating end soon? Because one of them started beef.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.